As some of you know I have been sick for the past few weeks. I spent eight hours in the emergency room one night, several visits to the doctor, a CT scan at the hospital another day, and nothing wrong was found. I am doing a little better now, but I have been really struggling to wrap my mind around everything that I feel God has “allowed” to happen in my life over the past year.
Over the past year it has been one thing after another, my husband deployed and everything went wrong, car problems, illnesses, family issues, therapy visits, stress, stress, and more stress. Then my husband came home and I thought everything would be better. It was for awhile, but then more and more things kept happening. We got an Autism diagnosis, had problems with tricare, dealt with issues with the therapy visits and all the procedures leading to his diagnoses. And now it’s been one health issue after another. Between me and Adam, I’m pretty sure we have had enough sickness to last us the next five years.
I couldn’t figure out why God would allow all this. WHY? WHY? That’s been the question haunting my life. Why did my parents have to get to divorced? Why did I have to miscarry my first baby? Why does my son have Autism and SPD? Why do I have all these health problems? WHY?
The past few weeks we have barely been to any therapy and any appointments because I have been so sick to do so or Adam was sick. My frustration mounted as the housework piled up because I felt to sick to do it. The overwhelming feeling that I was doing everything wrong, but at the same time not doing enough was killing me. I started to realize that I can’t do all this, it’s too much. I am under so much stress.
Why do I try to do it all myself? because I want to be strong. I want to be the mom that does it all for her son. I want to be there for my husband. I want to be the housewife my family deserves, but honestly I can’t do it all. I read all these blogs that say to do this and that and you will be a great mom, and a great wife, and have a great family, but let’s be honest, there is no perfect formula for a “great family” and a “great marriage.” Yes, I believe you should do your best, but sometimes it’s just all too much and you have to take a step back and re-evaluate everything.
I thought that maybe God is trying to teach me something in all this. He is showing me I can’t do it all that He wants me to just lay back and rest in Him. To TRUST Him.
Yup, there’s that pesky little word again. I have talked about trust a lot on my blog, my struggle with wanting to be control and not willing to let God lead in my life sometimes and to trust Him. But I wonder if this is why God is bringing me to my knees, to show me that I can’t do this alone. This anger I’ve been feeling as though He has failed me somehow… it’s not true. He hasn’t, He’s been there all along.
I was thinking last night about this example of God’s love and how He never fails me:
When Adam and I go places, I get him out of the car and I set him down. I grab his hand and we walk through the parking lot to whatever place we are going. But sometimes in that parking lot, Adam lets go of my hand and tries to walk off ahead on his own. He doesn’t want me to lead him because he wants to be in control, but I am still there reaching out, trying to grab his hand and I say, “Adam, hold my hand!” And he does because he realizes he needs me to lead him to where we are going.
It’s the same way with God. When we get saved we start out holding his hand, we are going along well until we think we can do things on our own and we let go. We want to be in control and we think we can do it all by ourselves. And God is there beside us still holding out His hand waiting for us to take it again saying, “Kathryn, Hold my hand. Hold my hand!” And when I take His hand again and trust Him it’s then that He can lead us through the valleys, through the tough times and even through the good times, because He is in control and He knows where I’m going.
And that’s when I am overwhelmed by His amazing love. His love that wraps around me even when I fail HIM. And I am amazed.
I am feeling a little better now, but I am still learning to slow down and trust. I do believe I was sick from the stress and anxiety of everything that has been going on and I am still struggling with a few of the symptoms, but I am learning my lesson. I have to let God lead me in a direction where I can learn to rest in Him and not do it all on my own.
So for you tired moms out there. You can’t do it all. You don’t have to do it all. Just ask God to take you where you need to go today, because today is all you can do right now and that’s all that matters.