For almost 32 years, my life has been divided into before and after.
Before our first child was born,
And after he came into our lives.
Before the doctor came in to say something was wrong,
And after we agreed to send our son to a bigger hospital by ambulance.
Before another doctor called with a diagnosis,
And after our newborn was life flighted 750 miles away for surgery.
Before I experienced the fierceness and pain of parental love,
And after I got used to carrying my heart outside my body.
Before our baby’s soft skin was marred by scars,
And after his small body was criss-crossed with them.
Before I could comprehend the agony of the Father on Good Friday,
And after I held my baby and bowed in wonder at the gift of God’s Son on the cross.
Before I knew birthdays could be both happy and sad,
And after I knew my son’s would ever be so.
Tomorrow is the 32nd anniversary of the division of my life into before and after. That’s right. My sweet baby turns 32 tomorrow. His birthday card’s been sent. His present has been bought. My husband and I will call and sing a corny rendition of the birthday song. Tomorrow will be a day of great celebration for our family.
For me, it will also be a hard day of reliving the before and after baggage of parenting a child with special needs. To be honest, there are days when I would like to abandon that baggage. I’d like to quit writing about the challenges we experienced. I’d like to quit dredging up memories that make tears roll down my cheeks. I’d like to move on and forget about the times when our worries were many, sleep was scarce, when life and death decisions were required of us day after day after day.
But I can’t abandon the baggage. Because, I believe that encouraging parents of kids with special needs is a ministry given to me by God. A ministry that began the day our son was born, and I stepped into the world of special needs parenting. In My Utmost for His Highest, Oswald Chambers says this about people who know God has given them a specific ministry:
Have you received a ministry from the Lord?
If so, you must be faithful to it–
to consider your life valuable only for the purpose of fulfilling that ministry.
Those words jumped out at me the first time I read them, and they jump out at me still. They focus my attention on two more ways my life was divided into before and after 32 years ago tomorrow:
Before I knew God formed me to fit into the niche of special needs ministry,
And after He revealed His purposes.
Before my heart broke for new parents with lives being split into before and after,
And after we shouldered each others’ baggage and shared one another’s joy and pain.
Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ.
Galatians 6:2
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My before and after: before salvation I was burdened but this same baggage after salvation less so. As I tackle each unbeleif, the baggage is left behind. You can leave the baggage, remember it for your compassion but not carry it anymore and still have this ministry. Heb 12:1 if its a weight set it down or let Christ help you carry it, his yolk is easy and burden light. Christ only carried the cross for a little while. Some baggage we choose to keep. Others are part of refining us to have longsuffering. May you bear much fruit. In Christ, Renee
Thank you for your perspective on before and after. Of course salvation is the ultimate before or after moment in this life.
I understand that you didn’t mean your post in this way, but I interpreted your post to validate some firmly held beliefs of mine, namely:
1. Having a special needs child is ALMOST a big a change as going from having no children to having children.
Your whole life changes when you have A child, but then it changes again, in a drastic, life-altering way, when your child is special needs. In my opinion, going from having a kid to having a special needs kid is such a big contrast that I compare the difference as being similar to going from no kids to kids.
2. Because of this drastic perspective change, which occurs on so many different levels, it’s not reasonable to expect people who haven’t had direct contact with a special needs situation to understand or to empathize or to ever “really” get it. It’s just not possible, and it’s not fair to expect people to “get it.” Even if you really wish they would.
Okay, you can correct me now! Thanks for listening!! 🙂
What a truthful and powerful post. What I am trying to teach myself to do is this: as I re-live the tragedy of my daughter’s diagnosis and birth, I attach it to one of my her miracles. That way, I can experience God turning my mourning into dancing and be reminded of Romans 8:28. That has helped me get through some of the tougher birthday memories and other flashbacks. My daughter was diagnosed before birth with a potentially fatal genetic disorder. She is 3 years old now. Helping other parents also encourages me to stay the course with ministry because I remember how lonely it was for me and my husband before we found a support system. God bless you all for the work you do.
Before and after. That was the topic of today’s tearful discussion with my hubby. Before we would spend 75% of our time and effort on 50% of our kids. . . and after, when I’m grieving my youngest is not where she may have been with her reading and writing if I’d had more time (if I wasn’t reading and writing myself. . . and which is the bigger calling??) There’s just no easy answer to Chambers’ admonition. But it does bless to know we’re all fighting our way through it together :).
I’m in. Can we leave right now so I’m too distracted tomorrow to relieve the day our baby was born?
Laurie, I didn’t mean for that reply to post under your comment. What I want to say to you is this: for people whose lives are divided into before and after, it’s really hard to not play the “What if” game. Because we can’t change the past. All we can do is move forward with the ministry we’ve been given and trust God to see our hearts and do his work in our children in spite of us.
Thanks for opening your heart and life to all of us who have baggage. It is for a greater purpose…so thankful for you!
Colleen, I wrote the post a couple weeks ago, before reading your Insight For Living series about how God is with us through the storms and uses us and what we learned after they are over. How good God is to reveal his Holy Spirit working in our sister hearts as we learn the same lessons!
Oh, boy, Colleen & Jolene, you both KNOW I can definitely relate to today’s post! So now that we’ve all admitted our baggage, how about a fun road trip? 😉
I’m in. Can we leave right now so I’m too distracted tomorrow to relieve the day our baby was born?