My first mistake? Driving my Honda Fit around the barricade that blocked the residential road in my neighborhood. My second mistake? Inadvertently driving into the middle of an international bicycle race that had apparently been scheduled that weekend.
Of course, I didn’t realize what I’d done until a pace car for the race (followed by hundreds of speeding cyclists) rounded the empty street corner toward me. Then it all made sense: the rattling din of cowbells, the frantic arm-waving of the crowds who lined the street, the look of horror on their faces upon my arrival, and their almost universal warning cry, “Pull over!”
Pull over.
How often have I needed to do that—to take a break and pull over—from this life with middle-aged responsibilities, from autism parenting’s relentless demands, and from a digital calendar that is too full of alarms, reminders and to-do lists? I love my children and I love my husband but how many times do I ignore God’s prodding to pull over and take care of myself and my marriage so that I can take better care of my family?
I have been reading a book with my husband written by a man with a teenage son with autism. His advice to slow down and to give ourselves the rest we need has been good to hear but so, so frustrating to implement.
My husband and I, married 23 years this August, need time together alone. We need to heed the barricade of protection God put around our marriage–to spend time with each other—to strengthen us and replenish a reserve that often teeters on “empty”. We need a break. And our children need us to take that break.
But how?
Like so many in this transient culture, we don’t have family nearby to allow us the space to recharge our marital and individual batteries. But we also know that time away is essential for our emotional, relational sanity. So we decided to take a step of faith (it feels more like a leap over the Grand Canyon). We have reserved two nights in a nearby state park and have done what we have never done before: we are leaving our teenage sons on their own. Sort of. (We have friends who will be checking in with them regularly.)
I confess. I have been terrified. With a gift for envisioning worst-case scenarios, my prayer is often, “God, please let this work out well, or else please keep us from going!”
But this morning over a cup of coffee, God spoke through a dear friend whose greater life experience with teens and disability shed some perspective-changing truth. I must give my children opportunities to succeed and give God an opportunity to shine, but in so doing, it will be hard and it will be messy. That is normal. Mistakes and missteps are a necessary part of growth.
So in trusting God to give my marriage the rest it needs, and in growing my boys toward independence, will our trip away mean that all will go well? No. It is likely that it will not. It is likely that we will get a phone call that will have us packing up our things and driving back home before our overnight away has hardly begun. And this may happen the next time we try it. And the next. But over time, we will learn. And so will our boys. And it is worth it.
God calls us to take care of our children. He also calls on us to care for our marriages. And ourselves. And in so doing, there are boundaries we must heed and times we must pull over to rest and recharge our relational batteries.
I am just hoping that next time it won’t take cowbells and a pace car to make me realize that it’s time.
Question: What fear of mistakes or imperfect outcome is keeping you from risking growth, either for yourself or for your children? What conversation with God can you have that may challenge you to pull over and do things differently than you previously dared?
Latest posts by Kelli Ra Anderson (see all)
- Calming our Anxiety in Special Needs Parenting - August 24, 2015
- Victory in the Seeming Loss of Special Needs Advocacy - June 22, 2015
- Retreating in God’s Hands: respite for the special needs parent - May 25, 2015
I can really relate. My husband and I went to Israel to celebrate our 30th anniversary. Our 18 year old son with Asperger’s stayed home for 8 days by himself. He doesn’t feel comfortable driving so we had people pick him for school everyday. He walked to a friend’s house after school and she got him home. His married sister’s checked in on him. He went to a movie with a friend and a few of our friends had dinner with him a few nights. Yes there was support but he did it on his own. It was a huge accomplishment. I hope your 2 days away goes just as well.
Ruth, you are so right! That is a huge accomplishment :0) I’m so glad that you and your husband were able to celebrate your 30th in such a special way! And I’m happy to report that, like you and your husband, we were able to have a couple of friends to help us out and take our boys out to dinner each night so they wouldn’t go stir crazy while we were gone. God was merciful; they did very well while we were away and as a result, my husband and I had one of the most “do nothing” relaxing times away. I know there are times and seasons we can’t get away at all and have to improvise to keep our marriages working, but getting time away is a need worth putting forth effort to achieve whenever we can! Thank you for sharing and happy anniversary! :0) –Blessings, Kelli
Kelli, thanks so much for this important post. We must take care of our marriages, so that we can take care of our families. That’s the way God set it up. My husband and I have been married for 40 years. The last 28 years with a son with autism and moderate intellectual disabilities. We were youth group leaders (volunteer) for a great number of these years, so we were fortunate to have help. Also, some family to help. But we always made it an imperative to get away for a weekend every year. During that time, we prayed about our future as a couple, as well as for our family. Today, as empty-nesters, we are beginning a retreat ministry in our new home (5 acres in the country). God has a plan for our marriages as well as for each one of us as individuals. God will make a way. Have a FANTASTIC get-away with your hubby. While on your retreat, take time to listen to what the Lord has in store for you when your children are grown and gone. And I claim a snake-free zone for you during this time! No phone calls – no crisis – no having to go home early. Thank you, Lord, in advance, for what you have in store!
Thank you, Kate, for your prayers. That gift means so much to me because I know God is listening! And thank you for the suggestion that we need to use some of our time away to be quiet and listening to what God is saying to us as well. I so appreciate input from friends like you who have “been there, done that” to offer encouragement! Your book did that for me and my daughter, as well. Loved “Autism and Allelujahs” :0) –Blessings to you! Kelli
Sounds good and I know it’s true, but we are in our 50’s, have two grown children, two grandchildren, and ten year old twins with issues, they are not biological. Ho one wants to watch them for us, no respite, and this week we have the grandkids too. I got maybe 4 hours of sleep last night. Would love to get away with my hubby, but there’s no time and no money.
Karen, I hear you!!! Every family’s situation is different, obviously, and some of us have more options than others which means there is no one size fits all. (I have a friend who just returned from a two week vacation with her husband because she had family to care for their son…I have to admit, I had some envy to deal with afterward!) My husband and I have only gotten away for an overnight twice in our 23 years of marriage because we have no respite care, either, and for a variety of reasons, we haven’t had others to turn to for relief as we would have liked. But I am being challenged to find ways to make time for my husband even if it turns out that we can’t get away. Coffee together in the morning. Sitting on the porch at night after the kids are finally in bed and agreeing NOT to talk about the kids but, instead, asking each other fun questions like we used to do when we were dating. Snuggling in bed before lights out, reading a book together or holding hands. Our marriages are important; finding ways to take the time to nurture them (even if we can’t physically get away), is still the goal. I hope some of these ideas help…families like ours need it so much and the irony is that ours can be among the hardest to make the time and space! –Blessings to you, Karen —Kelli