If you’re anything like me, you’ve laid awake at night wondering what is going to happen with that precious little one of yours. It can taunt us, this unknown future.
Will my boy ride a bike? Will he have friends? How am I going to give her care as I get older? Will she be loved?
For a long time I obsessed with predicting just how much time we had left with our son Calvin. Images of possibilities of how he would die would play through my mind, telling me to pick one. And each one was equally awful and made me want to throw-up.
Last summer we went camping with our boy, it was something we had always wanted to do with him. We thought it was his last summer; professional opinion combined with a failing respiratory system seemed to pound the finality of it in.
It wasn’t his last. A year later we are again camping along the dunes of Lake Michigan and Calvin is loving it. His curly hair has become permanently poofy from the wind, his grin has been stretching from ear to ear as his cousin Nick takes him “off-roading” in his wheelchair, and a general contented joyful spirit has filled our family as we face each new day and season together.
We’re learning to let the questions go. We have no idea how long Calvin has, but we do know he has today. God has promised strength for this day. He has commanded obedience and faith from us this day.
The result is the joy God promised all along. It’s not found in knowing what lies ahead. It’s not found in being prepared for every situation. It’s found in surrender. In obedience. In living today as it really is, a gift from the Father.
Today we woke up, checked Calvin’s monitors and groggily began his respiratory treatments which last over an hour. We prayed and sang with him in our camper as the kids bustled around searching for bowls and vying for the best cereal box. Siblings packed by him as we drew up his medications and treatments, fourteen total for the morning. Two and half hours later, Calvin went for a ride with siblings buzzing everywhere on bikes and made his rounds through our family’s sites nearby.
I don’t want to miss the gifts God has given us this day by living in fear of the unknown future. He is keeping you and me day by day, not by revealing the mysteries of the future but by drawing us to him each day, giving us strength to embrace the gift of today.
As your days, so shall your strength be. Deuteronomy 33:25b
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I’m so inspired by how you’ve committed yourselves to the love of God and learned so much and have been comforted. Reading your blogs, Calvin has come to have a place in my heart (I have a grown Calvin of my own, so I sometimes naturally pray for them back to back!). God is good, and you are remarkable.
I’m so glad to share Calvin with you! He spreads love more effectively than I could do in a lifetime. Thank you for your encouragement.
Kara, this is absolutely beautiful. Thank-you.
You are an inspiration, Kara. I enjoy your blog writings on Calvin. Keep them coming.
Great article! It is always so good for my heart to find other families leaning on Jesus. Out of curiosity how does Calvin do school? We are trying to figure that out for our guy and it is wearing heavily on us. Thanks!
Hi Jen! School has been a challenge for us because Calvin’s health is very unpredictable. We schedule three mornings a week for school. If he’s well he goes to all three (nurse rides with him on the bus), if he’s not well he just stays home and I cancel the bus. There are often months that go by that he can’t go at all and then we have a month of good health and he goes often! We’ve tried to determine what will maximize his enjoyment; school is stimulating for him and he loves it but it also exposes him to lots of germs and completely tires him out. During the winter months when he was so sick the school switched him to a home visit program so he could at least get some PT each week. I hope this is helpful!