“It is useless for you to work so hard from early morning until late at night, anxiously working for food to eat; for God gives rest to his loved ones.” (Ps 127:2)
I was stumped. I wondered if Solomon, for all his wisdom, might have benefited from my ADHD meds for better focus. The various ideas in Psalm 127 seemed too random and disjointed to be together. Finally, I cried uncle, and turned to God and a favorite commentary for help.
God didn’t disappoint. The message, it turns out, was very cohesive and underscored the same words of advice my husband and I heard the night before about how to help our relationship weather the latest round of special-needs-stressors. We thought the answer concerned family vacations. The answer from God, however, who had apparently been talking with our therapist was–?
Rest.
Rest for our relationship with each other. Rest from our morning-‘til-night efforts to stay calm and carry on getting kids to school (especially one who doesn’t like to get on the short bus), distributing assembly-line meds, getting to work to pay the bills that still tell us we’re in the red, and putting out nightly fires of homework stress and angst about tomorrow.
Rest.
“So what kind of vacation would you like to arrange, if you could?” Our therapist had asked me after I expressed frustration about too many working vacations and my longing for experiences that were just about enjoying time with our own family.
I paused to think before responding. “Well, next summer some getaways with each of our kids would be nice so they could feel like we were doing something just for them. Something to make them know they are more important.”
“But what about for you and Adrian? What about your need for time together? Isn’t your relationship even more important?” he asked.
Now I was really stumped. My husband and I had moved heaven and earth the previous fall to manage one overnight getaway—the first in years. Didn’t that count? And what did this have to do with trying to arrange a family vacation?
Turns out, a lot. And God was apparently trying to make sure I didn’t forget it thanks to a seemingly disjointed, ADHD-impersonating text from Solomon. Yes, our kids need us to change how we vacation. Yes, they need real rest from the daily stresses of life.
But like so many couples trying to meet the needs of their special needs family, our children have become first in our focus (our time, energy, finances), while our marital relationship has become a distant second. If we want our children to feel more secure and if we want to have the emotional energy to ensure they felt even more loved, our counselor told us, my husband and I need to give our marriage permission to be important. We need to build in a regular habit of rest together. Our counselor dared to suggest at least 4 small getaways a year.
For so long, my husband and I have worked hard and made hard choices according to our priority to care for our family, never realizing that one of those priorities was supposed to be us. Never realizing that when God gives his loved ones the gift of rest, we are actually supposed to use it. Who knew?
Apparently Solomon.
–Kelli Ra Anderson
Question: In what ways might you and your spouse make rest a higher priority in your marriage?


Latest posts by Kelli Ra Anderson (see all)
- Calming our Anxiety in Special Needs Parenting - August 24, 2015
- Victory in the Seeming Loss of Special Needs Advocacy - June 22, 2015
- Retreating in God’s Hands: respite for the special needs parent - May 25, 2015
But how do you get away? We have no one to watch our kids overnight. My 8 year old son has autism and we don’t have anyone who can handle him. We haven’t spent a night away in 8 years. I’d love to find resources on how to keep your marriage together when it is not possible to get away together and the years of stress take their toll.
Thank you for this. Often when I start to feel overwhelmed, our kids bring me back in by unwittingly noticing a little gesture I somehow missed from their dad. Kids. 😉
Kelli, this is a truth my husband and I have tried to live out for the 37 years we’ve been parents, and especially the 29 years we’ve been parents to a kid with autism. If we don’t take care of our marriage, our marriage suffers, and that impacts our kids big-time! Making regular over-night plans, or regular days of rest with one another helped us weather many, many storms in our marriage. Thanks so much for sharing!
Thanks, Meridee. It’s friends like you that EVERYONE needs to have for just such a purpose! THANK YOU ! :0) Thankfully, we are at a point where going out during the day is okay; our therapist wants us to try some overnight getaways so unless you want a really big teenage sleepover (ha!), I think we’ve figured it out. You are the best, though!! Love ya!
Send your kiddos over for lunch some day and you and Adrian go out!
Thanks, Meridee. It’s friends like you that EVERYONE needs to have for just such a purpose! THANK YOU ! :0) Thankfully, we are at a point where going out during the day is okay; our therapist wants us to try some overnight getaways so unless you want a really big teenage sleepover (ha!), I think we’ve figured it out. You are the best, though!! Love ya!