The doctor asked me what it is I “do.” I answered, “I’m just a mom.”
He went on to berate me on my value and said I should never say I’m “just” a mom. He said it is the most important job for women. So I asked, “What does your wife do?” “She’s a nurse.” <crickets> I had to wonder what happened to those noble thoughts on stay at home mothering. Of course, maybe there was more to their story. And maybe there is more to mine too. Maybe being “just” a special needs mom is exactly where God wants me.
Sometimes my son, Evan, wants things that aren’t always right for him. I have to guard him from those things even when his desires are great. Evan often asks to go to college like his brother. I don’t share the whole truth with Evan. College isn’t in his future for so many reasons and I have to shield him from this hard, cold reality. Evan also asks almost every day to go to a hotel. He loves the idea of a hotel (so do I!): the travel, dining out, visiting someone, and all the excitement that comes with a hotel stay. But once we get out of our beloved routine, everything falls apart. The once craved hotel becomes tumultuous. The stress of the hotel is more than his mind and body can handle. More stress than I can handle. I have to protect him from these things he wants so desperately and just say no. I know what’s best for him even when he doesn’t see the whole picture.
You see where I’m going with this, don’t you? There’s something I’ve been wanting to do for quite some time now. It isn’t happening. Hasn’t happened yet anyway. I don’t know if it will ever happen. But I want it so much it can consume my every thought internet search. For whatever the reason, or multiple reasons, God is keeping this thing from occurring in my life. He’s keeping me right where I am.
I am a special needs mom. But wow, there are days I want to be more, so much more, than “just” a special needs mom. I long to be Somebody. Somebody outside of these four walls. I don’t know why God has me in this one particular place. But I have to trust that my Father in heaven knows what is best for me.
“WHERE ONE DOOR IS CLOSED, A WINDOW OPENS.”
“JUST BECAUSE THE DOOR IS CLOSED DOESN’T MEAN YOU SHOULDN’T KICK IT DOWN!”
These sayings make for great Twitter-feed reading. And they can fit in whatever situation we want. But I should probably go to God first before I sit quietly and wait or before I start karate chopping the house down. I’ve written about it before, God has me here in this motherhood realm for a reason. It is where I am best suited, even though I can’t see the whole picture. I may want it, beg for it, search the internet all day long for all the details about it. But why go around my Protector? He knows and sees all.
“Since, then, you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts on things above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God. Set your mind on things above, not on earthly things.” Colossians 3:1-2
Evan will always be at that mental age when children are always asking, “Why?” He wants the reason for everything. Why can’t he go to college? Why can’t he go to a hotel? Why? Why? Why? You may be familiar with that somewhat frustrating age. I would like him to please stop asking why for every little thing! I wonder if God gets tired of me asking Him “Why?” when my prayers go unanswered in the way I want them answered?
“Don’t love the world’s ways. Don’t love the world’s goods. Love of the world squeezes out love for the Father. Practically everything that goes on in the world—wanting your own way, wanting everything for yourself, wanting to appear important, has nothing to do with the Father. It just isolates you from him The world and all its wanting, wanting and wanting is on the way out. But whoever does what God wants is set for eternity.” 1 John 2:15-17
(Thanks, Kristen Welch at We are THAT family for showing me that awesome verse in The Message translation and some things about gratitude. Lightbulb moment.)
My father sees when, like Evan, my excitement about something may be masking the pitfalls that I cannot see. He knows all of my limits, whether I see them or not. And he has promised to protect me. I’ve entrusted my life to him, like Evan trusts me. So I will remember that even when my deep desires lay in wait, when the next big thing comes along (and I know it will); God, my Father, knows what is best for me. And He has me as “just a special needs mom” for a reason.
Latest posts by Stephanie McKeever (see all)
- Special Needs Has Me Surrounded - April 18, 2018
- The Weight of Loving Someone with Great Need - February 9, 2018
- Letting Go of the Hurt - January 5, 2018