This week one of my good friends accompanied his eighteen-year-old son off to join the Marines. Another friend sent his eighteen-year-old child off to college.
My son turns eighteen in two weeks.
Last night he peed in the bathtub.
The gap between our life and the life of a typical family is sometimes so vast that it’s difficult to comprehend. As my wife likes to say, “Sometimes my reality is just too real.”
I remember in the early years desperately clinging to the words, “developmental delay” because they somehow implied a time would come where his development would catch up.
Those words were the anchor of my hope.
But as my son got older the gap widened instead of narrowing. Our new normal was constantly being modified and adjusted.
I never dreamed that my son would remain non-verbal his whole life. I never imagined that I would never hear the words, “I love you,” much less hear him call me dad.
I never dreamed that he would never be able to walk independently without physical assistance.
I never dreamed we would have to feed him all of his meals hand by hand, bite by bite.
I never dreamed that I would never be able to get a good night’s sleep ever again.
I never dreamed he would always need our help with bathing, getting dressed, shaving, and all of the other basic needs.
I never dreamed he would never drive, marry, or give us grandchildren.
I never dreamed he would watch the same Wiggly Safari DVD every day before supper for fourteen years.
I never dreamed we would never go camping, fishing, or travel to ballgames like my dad and I had done when I was a kid.
I never imagined he would never learn to read or write.
I never dreamed he would live with us even after becoming an adult.
All along this journey as a dad of son with profound special needs, so many expectations were surrendered, and so many dreams died.
And then one day I realized that the burdens often provide the biggest blessings in our lives. For every dream that is dashed by the new normal as a dad of a child with special needs, a window is cracked into new insights and revelations from God.
I never dreamed I could love so unconditionally until God gave me son with special needs.
I never dreamed I would see the essence of the Gospel lived out in my own house every day.
I never dreamed I could find joy in the simplest of things until I had a son with special needs.
I never dreamed I could find such contentment in daily laying my life down for my son’s needs.
I never dreamed I would treasure having a teenage boy fall asleep on my shoulders at night.
I never imagined the gratitude I could feel just sitting beside him on a swing at night, speaking blessings over him.
I never imagined the sheer happiness I could have in just making him smile and laugh.
I never dreamed that God would use the life of my son so much to completely change me, inspire me, and draw me closer to Him.
I never imagined that my life would have so many tears and so many moments of despair. But I also can’t imagine it any other way.
No my life didn’t turn out at all like I imagined or dreamed. But I also never imagined that I would want to go back and do it all over again like I do now.
Who knew that I could hear “I love you Dad “every day, despite him not saying a word?
For every dream that died, God replaced it with a blessing. I never imagined that life could be so hard, and yet so good, all at the same time. And I never dreamed that the things that created the most challenges would also bring the greatest blessings.
You never get to experience a rainbow until you’ve endured the storm. I’m living for the rainbows.
Jeff Davidson
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I too have a 19 year old non-verbal son who I consider an amazing blessing in my life. I love you honesty and insight. I completely agree. Alex changed my life forever and while this journey is challenging and heartbreaking it is also inspiring and has pushed me to places I never imagined. He changed the course of my medical career and through him I have been able to help may children like him.
Thank you for sharing. Oh, what riches our good God has entrusted us with. Your words reminded me of this song:
Hi Jeff,
Please will you forward me your email address
Thanks for sharing the realities that are “too real”. I am also a father of three children with hearing impairment. Along with hardships the blessings were countless. I some time try to imagine about my life without these kids. Certainly my life would have been very different and I could never had a sense of accomplishment which i enjoys now. I also have kids with no disability. But these three are closer to my heart. Love without any condition, I just love it.
Well said! We have 2 very special little men ages 25 and 32. They have brought us so many blessings and taught us so many things that “normal” families will never have the joy of understanding and yes they have also brought us many tears and hard lessons. They have made our family what it is and I would not change it despite the difficulties. Love them so much and loved your blog.
You capture the frustration as well as the unconditional love for a special needs child. I as a grandparent raising her special needs granddaughter understand all of this but my prayers are for me to live to get her as independent as possible before I die. There are many trails in raising a child older but she is worth it and more. She did not ask to be born and she needs all the love she can get and more.
Amen and Amen!! My faith grew deeper and into a personal relationship with Jesus because of my son , Eric. This article is my life, verbatim. I have 4 other children, but it is Eric that has taught me what life is truly about. God is good!!
This was Beautiful, it brought tears to my eyes, and a peace to my heart. I am the mother of a Special Needs Father, and I see all this through my Son’s eyes…Thank you for sharing
Such an inspirational story. My daughter is 10 and she has a few special needs. Autism, frontal lobe deficits, central sleep apnea, and the list goes on. She is verbal she began to speak around age 4. Still sometimes its just random things that pop out. I too have come to see that beauty that God creates every time I here her speak or just laugh. She has taught me to live life to the fullest and to love unconditionally. Thank you for your words of wisdom. God gave us the most special gifts of all. Our special needs children.
Thanks for the encouragement Jeff!
Jeff
Thank you so much for this, I can relate to so much that you are saying. You are an awesome person for sharing this and really inspire me to share my story as well.
God bless you and your son. Its amazing really what special needs children can teach everyone.
As I read line by line, I could feel your passion and the pain, the hurt and the happiness. It gave me chills to my spine in a good way .
I also have a special needs son who is 9 and will be 10 this year and he does not speak as well. So I can understand,
Please feel free to reach out to me anytime, if you every need to talk.
As a special needs parent, I know that just connecting with others that understand is so important.
Thank you again for your post on this blog, it was really amazingly beautiful to read.
Love and peace always –
Joseph Tamargo
thank you for this! my daughter is 8 and much of what you wrote applies to us even now.
Thank you for reminding me my normal is as important as everyone else’s.
The ability to experience joy in this heartbreaking situation is truly a gift from God. Blessings!
Jeff,
I think of special needs kids as “JUST SPECIAL”
I serve as a one on one person and God has given me the joy of being with Sam at a high school retreat, who asked Jesus into his heart and then saw him stand in the back with the leader singing his heart out(1st time I saw him sing).
I have had the joy of being with Ian as his one on one partner at Spring Hill camp and treasure the memory of him saying ” I wish you were my grandpa” …
I was at a meeting listening to a parent say “my special needs child has taught me more than I will ever teach him”. I was also at a meeting with a special needs speaker share how “God can make the impossible, possible”
There are no masks and the love they share is real
You are an inspiration!!! I am always in awe of your devotion, your faith, and your unequivocal love.
I’m with you! My son turned 18 this year. While others go to college, my son watches Barney every day.
But … he is such a great kid! When I stop measuring in developmental milestones, and start measuring in happiness, I am way ahead of the curve!!
Could God have chosen a different way to humble me, and teach me how to love unconditionally? Probably. But I am awfully glad He chose this way.
Me Too!! Well-said!
Thank you for this. Your words always go straight to my heart. My son just turned 13 and yes, we see so many things that we dreamed about as parents but that are probably not going to happen. Still, it’s a life of blessings.
Thank you for these beautiful inspiring words. Our family is also going through the transitions watching normal children graduate, leave home for college and even friends becoming grandparents. We have one child and he is our blessing but seeing things change around us has been hard. Yes, I will never be a grandparent and selfishly it hurts me but I would not change this 19 year journey for anything. God bless you for your encouragement.