When my daughter was born with Down syndrome I felt devastated about her diagnosis. I cried constantly, and I struggled to find hope as I pictured our lives in the days, months, and years to come.
One night, as I climbed into bed, I turned to my husband who was ready to go to sleep. I was exhausted by my sadness, and I knew he noticed it too.
“The Bible says that God does not give us more than we can handle, right?” I asked him.
He turned and looked at me, silent for a while.
“That verse refers to temptation. God will not give us more temptation than we can handle.” He said, “It is a verse too often taken out of context.”
“Well what about this. What about us?” I asked, “Does God give us more than we can handle when it comes to…life?”
My husband, knowing what was in my heart, gently said, “Yes honey, I think so. I think often in life we are given more than we can handle. If we could handle life on our own we would not need God. But when we are given more than we can handle, it is then, and only then, that we realize how much we need Him. We need Him to take over, to lead us, and take control of our lives.”
His words were new to me. When life gets hard, when there are losses, when there are challenging family issues, when devastating circumstances beat us down, when personal problems continue to build, or when the simple fact that life is hard and messy threaten to make us into a helpless punching bag, I’ve so often heard, “God does not give us more than we can handle.” Words that are meant to encourage, to give hope, perhaps remind us that we are strong and maybe we don’t know it yet, but God does. Yet I knew I wasn’t strong, and God knew it too.
“I think this is more than I can handle,” I said with tears in my eyes.
“I know,” Andy said as he reached his hand to hold mine.
“And I need Him to step in, or I am going to lose it.” I continued.
“That’s what He wants to do hun, He wants to take over and carry you through this.”
This new understanding of God suddenly allowed me to let go. I had permission to feel what I was feeling, to acknowledge that I had no idea how to parent or love my baby who was born with a disability. God did not have a list of expectations for me, the only thing He wanted was for me to trust that He would carry me through the grief and loss.
I did not have to be strong because God would be strong for me. I did not have to find the why because God does not make mistakes and He loves with unconditional love. I did not have to carry the grief and the loss on my own because God would not only help me with the load, He would turn my heart around and show me the precious gift I’d been given through my child.
My daughter is now six and a half years old. It would be tempting for someone to look at the person I am today – so different from the person I was before and during the period of grief and struggle – and think, “See, you were stronger than you thought, God did not give you more than you could handle, he trusted you with your child because He knew you could do it.” But that would not be true.
If I am strong in any way, it is because I had His strength. If I can handle anything in life, it is because He carries me through it. If I am a different person today, it is because He has changed me. I don’t have to handle life on my own, thank goodness! God handles it for me, and in the process He transforms me, leads me, and loves me abundantly.
And when life gets tough, when it feels like it is more than I can handle, I turn it over to Him, “It’s yours Lord! You take it, and you carry me through this.”
Author’s note: Wonder where the idea that “God does not gives us more than we can handle” comes from? It is from the verse in 1 Corinthians 10:13 that says, “The temptations in your life are no different from what others experience. And God is faithful. He will not allow the temptation to be more than you can stand. When you are tempted, he will show you a way out so that you can endure.” (NLT). Somehow we changed the meaning of this verse to a Christian cliche that is intended to make us feel better, or stronger, or else it makes us feel like we must be missing something because it does feel like our circumstances and suffering are more than we can handle. But God does give us more than we can handle, 2 Corinthians 1:9 tells us that, “In fact, we expected to die. But as a result, we stopped relying on ourselves and learned to rely only on God, who raises the dead.” (NLT) So rely on God friend, only on God because he is the one that can handle it!
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This article blessed me so very much. How often I have been guilty of using I Cor. 10:13 in wrong context, and even feeling guilty that I don’t feel strong enough to handle life’s difficulties.
We are having a Special Needs Awareness Sunday at our church. Could I get your permission to share your article with our congregation?
Please email me if this might be possible….
Thank you!
Sure, Karen! Feel free to share!
Like I said in a post somewhere else today, this would have been great to have resources like these available40 yrs ago when we struggled to raise two special needs kids. The guilt I carried around was awful. I blamed myself for bad parenting that is why I had a kid with seve LD issues. Our daugher has a form of dwarfism and I blamed myself for not feeding her adequtely that is why she had her disease I so wrongly thought! The church, though we have been Christians all our adult lives, was sadly inadequate to help us deal with the issues we faced. It would have been so great to have been able to conect with other parents in thier struggles.
In retrospect, He gave us every thing we needed but having had more resources available we could have coped in more heallthy ways. Being isolated on the Dakota praire made going to support groups, if they even exisited, a monumental task as well, Who better to under stand than someone who has walked in the shoes of a dispairing parent who wonders what the future will be like for thieir child or children etc.
Through His grace and love we did get through it all and are rejoicing in the healing His Word gave us emotionally even though physical healing did not happen.
Blessings on you all as you grow through the trials of parenting the special kids!
Betty Marschner
Thank you for this insight to the whole, “God will not give you more than you can handle”, thing. People have been telling me this so often, even people in the church. I know they mean well, but i simply smile and go on with life. I am physically disabled and have bee living with chronic pain/chronic migraines, and chronic fatigue since 2003 and I lean on God all the time for His strength because my strength is completely gone.
I use to be a very independent and active person before this affliction, and I think it is the reason most people that know me have such a problem believing that I have this invisible illness now. They say things like, “You look good” and You look fine”, or “Maybe you just need to get out more or eat better.” They always have suggestions for some medicine. Or , the one I absolutely dislike the most, “I’ll pray for you.” But no one ever asks me, “Can I come over and do something for you?” or “Is there something I can do for you? Do you need help with your shopping, cooking or cleaning?”
This past week I had migraines every day with the exception of yesterday and I was so sick yesterday that I could not function well. My dishes need done, my floors need vacuumed, my grass needs cut…..folks just don’t understand. Because i don’t dress in sackcloth and ashes they think I am fine.
I have asked them for help so often that it has gotten to the point where I feel like I am begging so I have stopped asking. Most often they are not available anyways.
I wanted to post this here because I want others to STOP…..LOOK AROUND THEM…..and SEE if there is someone that needs their help! Someone that is ill, that needs cooking, cleaning, shopping, help, needs their grass cut.
Please offer to help them. Or maybe just go VISIT them because they are lonely!
And if they say no the first time, second time of even a third time, DON”T STOP asking keep offering to help because as I am so often sick and just cannot handle the company there will be a time when I will welcome someones help and companionship. I am pretty much home bound, and I am certain you can find someone in your neighborhood that is too.
I just stumbled across your blog, and what timing! My 5 yr old started Kinder this year, and they just diagnosed him with ID. I feel like I’ve finally been given permission to grieve.
Thank you!
I have heard the same thing, Ellen, but never thought about it that way. But you are so right, if we could handle it, why would we need God? Very good post, thank you so much. @ Melissa– The other things that people tell me (besides the “God only gives what you can handle”) are “he will be FINE. He is high functioning. It could be so much worse.” And “i never would have guessed he had autism.” I know they are trying to be helpful, and that sometimes ppl just don’t know what to say, or don’t think how it comes across to someone who is dealing with special needs every day. But they are not the ones dealing with it; and even if they don’t see the difficulties i encounter w/ my son, it doesn’t mean that said difficulties don’t exist. I have been given much hope that as an adult, he will be able to handle normal things like holding a job, driving etc. But that doesn’t change the fact that the “now” is some days very difficult. I did need to grieve (and some days, i still do, although it is better now). Even if “it could be so much worse,” something has still been lost and it is ok to grieve.
Your post couldn’t have come at a better time x Thank you x
So spot on, so from your heart to touch mine! Thank you! Thank you too for speaking clarity to a very misunderstood truth !!!
Wow. You were blessed with a very wise husband! I truly HATE (yes, hate) people using that phrase. Does that mean if I were less strong this awful thing wouldn’t have happened? Of course not. God wants us to turn to Him. Through our brokenness and frailties, He helps us grow.
I agree 100% (200% if that was possible). Thanks for saying it!
Thank you for such an honest look at how we often feel about life. I find myself thinking I have learned this, to trust God to carry us through, only to be confronted with a new situation and find myself right back to the breaking point again. How do you answer people who tell you the whole God will not give you more than you can handle thing?
I actually do say, “Did you know that is not Biblical?” And most people are genuinely shocked to know this, and they usually do ask questions about it, which opens the door to a conversation of what scripture really says, and how freeing it is to know that I do not have to handle it, He can. But don’t think it is easy to be in this position, right now I find myself in one of these situations, and I want it to be over already! It is assuring to know that God takes care of it, but it is still difficult. hugs to you Kelly!