Forgiveness. It seems like a 1,000-pound bench press, a crushing load, impossibly heavy to lift. But forgiveness isn’t a one-time heft above our heads to declare our spiritual duty done. It’s more like a marathon. (Or, for those like me, who shudder at the thought of running a 5K, it’s more like a really, really long-distance stroll—preferably with a coffee in hand.)
But whether you resonate with 5K, or a latte-sipping walk, forgiveness is a journey we are compelled to take far too often in the world of special needs parenting.
25 years ago, when I faced the relational loss of my parents, I had to learn for the first time what a forgiveness marathon looks like. I remember the long process it took to grieve and to give it to God. When something would trigger the angst anew, anger would rise to the surface and I’d have to give both my anger and my parents back to God. Again. And again. And again.
Each time I wanted to right the wrong that was out of my control, I had to surrender my hurt and my anger to God and remember that my parents were His responsibility. Only He could work in their lives. Only He could understand them, and love them and turn their hearts toward Him. So I began to pray for God’s mercy toward them and for their healing. Over the course of many years, God turned my hurt into compassion, and forgiveness has turned pain into peace even though our relationship remains broken.
The other morning, as I progressed through the Lord’s Prayer, taking each section and making it my own, I came to the familiar phrase, “Forgive me my sins, as I forgive those who sin against me,” and I paused. Images of people from my son’s school instantly came to mind. God had put His physician’s hand over my heart, and I had winced. A familiar heartache had returned.
We have had a difficult beginning to the school year. So many needless mistakes have been made with my son’s IEP and his school schedule by people who know better. And it has been difficult to work through.
As special needs parents, we are often at the mercy of teachers, administrators, doctors and other professionals. We want their understanding and need their insights and cooperation as we try to help our children navigate this life.
Often, we are blessed by those who care for our children and help us on our way. But what happens when someone harms our child? Or we wrestle with an institution whose rules and guidelines are outdated and inflexible? What are we to do? How are we to respond?
Whole books are written to answer that question. And people answer it in different ways, depending on their circumstances. But as believers in Christ, whether we roll up our sleeves and attempt to correct the injustice, or decide to change course and look for a better source for help, we are all called to respond with the attitude of Christ. (And one reason I thank God for the invention of the delete button to rewrite my thoughts until my digital rants contain more reason and rationale, than rage.)
And we are also called to forgive.
Jesus calls us from his example on the cross to reject the toxic heart-decay of bitterness, to relinquish our desire for revenge, and to entrust to God’s judgment and His care, those who have caused harm. Those who even sin against us and our children.
Right now, in the middle of a school battle, we are unsure which way we will turn. Will we patiently forge a new path for our son despite the resistance of rules and some rule-keepers who seem so intent on doing the least for the least of these? Or will we bring in an advocate? Or will we walk away to search for another educational alternative?
No matter the choice God will help us to make, one thing remains constant. I need to pray, by name, for those whose actions are causing us so much stress and grief. I need to show grace to them and kindness, even as we advocate for our son. Maybe, as Peter offered with such generosity about forgiveness in Matthew 18:21-22, it will take only 7 times. But given my track record, it is more likely that it will take my heart 70 times 7 (Jesus way of saying that we need to forgive as many times as it takes) before I can let God transform pain into peace.
Bottom line? I’m going to need a few lattes.
“Then Peter came and said to Him, ‘Lord, how often shall my brother sin against me and forgive him? Up to seven times?’ Jesus said to him, ‘I do not say to you, up to seven times, but up to seventy times seven.” Matt 18:21-22
Question: Is there a person you need to forgive so that God can release you from the toxic grip of bitterness? Or do you have a victory story of how God has enabled you to forgive and set you free to pray for those who may have caused harm in your family?
Latest posts by Kelli Ra Anderson (see all)
- Calming our Anxiety in Special Needs Parenting - August 24, 2015
- Victory in the Seeming Loss of Special Needs Advocacy - June 22, 2015
- Retreating in God’s Hands: respite for the special needs parent - May 25, 2015
Thank you this is such a great post. As a special needs mom, I have had many opportunities to practice this…sometimes more on the easy learning plan and some on the Hard learning plan. Now I an a special needs advocate to families in school situations. I always need a good reminder to forgive and reflect Christ in the advocacy process. Great word!
I think we all need that reminder! How wonderful that God has lead you to take your life lessons to help guide others and to bless them as they struggle with their schools. Wonderful.
Kelli, you’re speaking my language, girl! Like, seriously speaking it… Today I’m writing the chapter for my book on forgiving educators and other pro’s as parents of kids with special needs. Sounds like you’re neck-deep in it. We were there for 3 years with our daughter’s school and we’ve finally rounded a corner. Lots of opportunity for being mad at the school… the world…. all of it. Grateful for your reminder that we’re not alone in it all. Praying God will make a way for your son at his school—and soon!
We really do seem to keep crossing similar paths, don’t we?! Thank you for your prayers. God is leading us but as you know it is often the way, the path is hard to see. Just one step. Then another… Wishing you well on your writing, Laurie! Go get ’em!
I struggle most with forgiving those who say, “If you need anything, just let me know and I am here for you,” and when I need them, they are not there. I try not to be a burden so I ask for help with small tasks. I also try to ask at a time when folks aren’t busy, but I get disappointed often. This hurts. So I have to work hard at forgiving the broken promises. Thanks for reminding me that forgiveness is a marathon. God bless
I am so sorry, Denie. I think many of us, unfortunately, can relate. Those who don’t live our experience so often don’t understand how great our need can be (I think of Jesus asking God to “forgive them for they don’t know what they are doing.”) I would encourage you, though, not to give up asking for help and trying to communicate the real need that you have. It can take time for people to “get it” when they don’t see what our day-to-day lives can be like. But you are so right, forgiving broken promises is a real part of our forgiveness marathon (but a marathon worth traveling so that God can keep our hearts open and free to love others who will need us at some point, too.) Thank you so much for sharing, Denie. Many blessings to you — Kelli
Thanks for the encouragement. I really appreciate it.
Thank you so much for this post. While at the moment I don’t have the need to show forgiveness so much in the area of those who work with my 2 special-needs kids, your post related very strongly to other issues in my life. It was very helpful and encouraging.
I’m so glad you shared, Jeannie. It was an encouragement to me! –Blessings to you :0)
Awesome topic, awesome writing and love the title. Thanks for sharing Kelli!
Thank you, Deb. :0) I just wish it didn’t have to be true for so many of us!