I wished that statement had been a good thing….
Kristina, our second born was healthy, smart, helpful, and compliant. She was often there to help our son Joey (3 years older than her) when he needed his shoes tied, face washed, or teeth brushed. The problem was – she was somewhere around the 5-7 year age range.
Joey’s special needs made it such that he needed a lot of help for us just to “get out the door” and often, she was very willing to help. But one particular day, I had asked her to do a number of things, right in a row, and not with much chance to comprehend it all. That was when she said,
“Mom, I feel like CINDERELLA. Not the pretty one, but the one who had to do all the work.” Ouch.
That comment was the “reality mirror” for me. I became keenly aware of the fact that she needed to be a kid. I never expected her to “take over” my job of caring for Joey, but I was happy for her help, and at that moment I could see I was asking too much.
I immediately made some changes – perhaps they will be helpful for you with your children, and also with your extended family, friends, and others in your life:
- Don’t bark orders and expect others to jump.
- Each child needs attention – one on one as often as you can. Invest in each child.
- Allow your children to “understand” that you must take time (and often more time) with the child with special needs, but find things they like to do and purpose to do it with them.
- Have family meetings. Talk about the “work load” and if they feel you are expecting too much of them. You might not like what you’ll hear, but the open communication serves well for now and when they become adults.
- Don’t beat yourself up when your children are honest with you. Let them share.
- Show appreciation in words and actions for those who lend you a hand.
- Don’t make others feel stuck helping you. Ask first.
- Don’t expect others to know what you need. If others offer to help, tell them what is helpful.
- YOU make caring for you loved one look easy because you do it all the time. Others will need to be trained to help you. Take the time.
- When asking other children in the family to babysit/care for/look after the one with special needs, treat them like you would someone coming in to help. Ask them to set the day aside for you and confirm it with them – like you would with a babysitter. Pay them like you would a babysitter. Ask them how things went and if there is a way that would make life easier for them when they are helping you.
- If someone offers to help, ask them what they most enjoy doing. Make and keep a list so you can call on them. The longer your list, the less often you’ll have to call on and rely upon one or two people.
- Be sure to do things your typically developing children want to do – even if it means finding someone to stay home with the one with special needs.
- Have fun. Life is better that way.
AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST:
- Make sure you get your daughter a pretty prom dress when her time comes – so she knows how the pretty CINDERELLA felt!
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You have such an adorable daughter. Looks like you raised her well. Its good that she speaks whats on her mind so that you’ll be aware and make some adjustments. Thank you for sharing this. You might want to A Piece Of Heaven On Earth.
THANKS for your encouragement!
These are great tips, although I must say they hurt a bit. I, being the disalbed child, often asked too much of y non-disalbed sister. She told me one day when I was like fifteen and she was thirteen that she felt like a slave. I have utism and was pretty self-centered at the time (still am). The thing is, kids say what they feel. It must have been hard on you to hear your child felt like Cinderella. It definitely did hurt me when I heard my sister say she felt like a slave.
Astrid~
THANK YOU for sharing what you just did!
I’m sorry your feelings were hurt, and I admit, it did “sting” to hear her say that, but I think for both you and I it is a learning experience to then try to do the best we can to make what ever changes we can. None of us is perfect. None of us can do everything right, but when someone LOVINGLY says how they feel, we have the opportunity to LOVINGLY make some changes.
I don’t know if that is helpful for you, but I’m sure your sister loves you very much and perhaps had “one of the moments” of being overwhelmed. I’m sure my daughter was overwhelmed at that moment and said how she felt.
I hope (not being sure how long ago that was for you) that you have mended any hurt feelings and tried to be loving and helpful to each other.
I know it’s sometimes hard….but as best as you can express yourself it will be helpful for HER to understand YOU, too.
I am so glad you shared your heart!
Cindi
Cindi,
Thanks for tackling such an important topic. Your daughter did such a good job of expressing her feelings as a child and provided the perfect way to broach the topic in a blog post. Your practical suggestions will be so helpful to families and friends.
Jolene
Thank you, Jolene, for your encouragement!
Cindi – This is wonderful – really for all moms but especially for moms with inclusive families!
Thanks so much!
Yes, having our kids “share the truth” is helpful and refreshing!
I always love to see posts about our special needs siblings (probably because it’s an area I need lots of reminders to pay attention to!). Thanks so much! I know that in my own family we even needed to provide a counselor for my daughter just to be able to cope with the stress of having two brothers with special needs and all the unfairness that that entails. This post was a timely reminder to me to take my girl out for some mother-daughter time. Thanks, Cindi!
We’re entering that phase too, Kelli. My 8 year old has always had her special times each week alone with me, but I can tell she needs more than that now. Any tips on what you looked for or asked for in counsellors that helped?
Laurie-I think it’s just really good to have open, honest, and LISTENING conversation with our kids. It allows them to share their honest thoughts, feelings, and emotions. THEN WE MUST LISTEN and act upon them to make the best of what we hope to accomplish: satisfied kids who know and trust us! I don’t think I did it perfectly, but they knew I was trying!
So thankful for the “reality” our kids bring to our lives!
I think spending time doing what THEY enjoy doing is life giving to them, and they will always remember it. I remember a time that we’d let our son go to one of the sets of grandparents so we could take JUST the girls out without having to “deal” with other things…..and they shared with us one time that they thought the grandparents like Joey better because they didn’t get to go just by themselves like he did. WOW! What an eye opener that was. Here we were doing it for THEM and they had it all turned around. It allowed us to be sure to give THEM alone time with the grandparents and Joey with us. It was good they were comfortable to share with us those kinds of things!