The school year has begun for all the children. Goals are made; classes are full go; children know what to do to make their studies and extracurricular a priority.
Simplify that to our own lives and we have to ask, “Is our marriage a priority?” So many of us are very into our children’s lives and the activities they do to keep busy and active; but what about us? Where do we fit in our own lives and then furthermore, what about those of us parents caring for children with special needs? The list of caring for what the kids are doing mounts up quickly-some far beyond the school day! And then beyond the children are times of emergency where others need to take 2nd place until things settle down. But busy, is different from emergency.
Let’s take a moment, step back, put our kids on hold for a moment, put our marriages on the front burner and evaluate if we are prioritizing our spouse!
Recently, a friend mentioned this phrase “prioritize me” after a grueling time of caring for others in her life. I was able to concur with her and decided to take that phrase to my husband. It was a needed time of deciding and discussing how we (at this moment in time after much ministry and caring for others) might put each other into a place of priority. Sort of a re-evaluation time.
This meme on FaceBook gave us the start of the conversation we needed and decided to have:
“Successful marriages do consistently what mediocre marriages do occasionally.”
Ouch.
Are we saying things like, “That’s just how we roll,” or “That’s just how it is,” or “That’s how we do things around here”? If so, we are not on the right path. Do we really want to be mediocre? Do we want to slide to isolation from our spouse? We’ll now is a good time to ask your spouse to point out some ways to make them a priority. BOTH OF YOU need to take part in this conversation. Stop the business and calendar conversations and talk about what you need.
We came up with these areas to discuss our needs; they are not gifts we’ve had bestowed upon us but skills to practice:
Communication-having conversation and connection, sharing ideas and thoughts. What can you share with your spouse beyond the surface. Not just you had a good or bad day but why and what you want to do about it. For starters.
Caring-what does that mean to each of you? How do you feel cared for? Specifically, what does that look like? Time? Conversation? Helping? Touch?
Time Together-Each couple will enjoy different ways of spending time together so it must be discussed. But without the time together, the other areas will likely not grow.
Commitment-how are we putting each other 1st to show our commitment? Showing we are actively pursuing each other?
Compassion- Pity says, “I feel sorry for you.” Sympathy says, “I feel for you.” Empathy says, “I feel with you.” But compassion says, “I am here to help you.” Compassion means you’ve communicated, cared, and want to show your commitment by your compassion. Compassion is understanding, concern for what the other is going through. Questions need to be asked, listened to, and acted upon.
Passion-is intense emotion compelling action. It’s birthed out of all the above.
When we mix this recipe of ingredients together in our whirlwind lives of special needs, school, activities of the children and our own, we can come up with a final product that works. It might not happen overnight, but as we pursue our spouse as a priority, we will have a marriage that goes the distance.
You can get started now: Ask the first question… “Am I making my spouse a priority,” and then include them in the discussion!
Dr. Joe and Cindi Ferrini share their newest book: Love All-Ways: Embracing Marriage Together on the Special Needs Journey (order at www.cindiferrini.com). They are authors, speakers, and bloggers for several blogging sites on marriage, family and special needs. They spoke nationally for FamilyLife Weekend To Remember Marriage Get-a-Ways for 20 years, authored *Unexpected Journey – When Special Needs Change our Course, and have been interviewed on Focus on the Family, FamilyLife Today, Janet Parshall at “In the Market”, Chris Brooks of “Equipped” and various other radio and television venues. Connect with them at:
and via social media at:
www.facebook.com/cindi.ferrini
www.facebook.com/UnexpectedJourney/
www.facebook.com/MyMarriageMatters/
Latest posts by Cindi Ferrini (see all)
- “Prioritize Me” - September 18, 2023
- Profess-Process-Progress - August 21, 2023
- Five Important Ways to Support, Help, and Encourage Foster Parents - July 17, 2023