November 24, 2014. You turned five while the rain sang on the windows and the sun hid its face. You were hidden too–seizures were fierce; we held you close as your body twitched and eyes stared wide. “Happy birthday!” and flaming candles filled the room, we guessed you’d want us to celebrate for you.
What I want you to know, Calvin, is that we see you. All of us, dad and mom, your three sisters and brother. Seizures can’t hide you from us, we just wait til they pass and we get you back. Disability doesn’t deter us–we look in your eyes, lay close to your body and feel your breath on our cheeks. We see you, dear boy.
Evie sees you when she puts a pen in your hand that doesn’t work and helps you to draw. She sees you as she sits by you for hours carefully setting the pen up in your hand, waiting for your slightest movement. She sees your masterpieces in the scribbles. She sees your care as she nestles into your arms seeking comfort after a bad day.
Noah sees you, your longing for adventure. When he places lego ninjas in your hands and carries you along on adventures, he sees your excitement and trusts your creativity as he fills in your parts of the story. He sees your need for boy whirlwinds as he circles your chair round and round in the living room.
Sophie sees you as she places your hands on the piano keys. She holds you carefully and knows you’d play if you could, she guesses you don’t mind her moving your hands along the keys. And by your grin, I think she’s right. She pushes your chair close to the piano as she practices, she sees your love for beat and rhythm and joy.
Violet sees you. She sees your need for happiness as she pushes her little baby hands on your cheeks and says “hi!”. She knows you want her around, you want to feel her close.
Daddy sees you. When he comes home and rubs his scratchy beard on your cheek, he sees a little boy wanting love and a little horseplay. He looks past your shaking and melts from your crying, he sees you, his little boy who wants to be protected, kept, love. He doesn’t see a burden, he sees the gift of you.
I see you. When I care for you day after day, I see more than the med syringes, diapers, trachs and feeding tubes. You are my son and so much more than the needs that define your body. Given the chance I know you’d be getting into mischief, begging for one more story and getting into your brother’s legos. I know you are more than what can be seen.
And even more, your Creator and Redeemer sees you. He knows every part of you, your every desire, idiosyncrasy of character, the things that you find funny, your soft spirit. We get glimpses of you but He knows you fully, doesn’t He?
And that’s the wonder. Your soul is not hindered by a neurological disorder, there is no boundary too wide for Jesus to cross. There is no little lamb too impaired for Jesus, the more broken, the more eager His shepherd hands reach for you. The tighter he binds you up and keeps you close.
Your eyes have lost their sight but His eyes will never lose sight of you.
Latest posts by Kara Dedert (see all)
- Frustrated with a lack of milestones? Collect moments instead. - August 24, 2016
- Using Grief for Good - July 27, 2016
- Mother’s Day — It’s Complicated - May 6, 2016
Oh, how this brings tears, Kara. Because I had so many complications with my recent pregnancy (and my older age), I was truly expecting little John to have some special needs. I felt at peace with this, though, knowing how the Lord has been so incredibly faithful to you and your family. His glory continues to shine through your testimony, in both your valley and mountaintop experiences as you walk through this journey with your precious Calvin. Happy Birthday, sweet boy.
This pricked my heart. I too understand that children, even the “broken” ones have so much value in families. Bless your heart. Lisa from Quirks and Chaos
Thank you. That was a beautiful expression. For those of us who do not confront each day conditions described as disabilities, it is a blessing to be reminded that in God’s Kingdom, He makes all of us normal and removes all disabilities.
Because you see, you are reminding me of the God who Hagar met in the wilderness and named: The God Who Sees. I’m sure that it is He who is helping you to see, bringing beauty for ashes and blessing into the life of this little boy who is God’s gift to you.
Because you see, you are reminding me of the God that Hagar met in the wilderness: the God who sees. I’m sure that it is He who is working in you and your family to bring beauty for ashes and to bless this little boy who is God’s gift to you.
“There is no little lamb too impaired for Jesus, the more broken, the more eager His shepherd hands reach for you.” -This line was such a great reminder. Thank you for sharing your heart to so many parents who are in the same boat as yours, needing a constant reminder of this truth. Blessings to you and your family.
I understand this from two directions. I had a sister like Calvin. Her name was Alesia. I am now a mother and grandmother and pastor’s wife with similar disabilities to Calvin. Both of my daughters have similar disabilities that intensify as they years go by. Both are hoping they will live long enough to raise my beautiful grandchildren. How can I love a God Who would do this to me and my family?
Like Job, I have learned to put my hand over my mouth and to not speak words without knowledge. Like the Psalmist, my flesh and my heart fail me, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. My only prayer is that He will be thus for my husband, children and grandchildren and others who may read my comment. Happy Thanksgiving! <3
such real feeling words to a little 5 year old boy. God bless you, Kara as from day to day you do the things God asks you to, as you love and serve your family!!
Wishing you the Lord’s strength and nearness along the way He has laid out for you. Remember, He created the shoulders on which He has laid this cross. His grace is sufficient, that means there is more grace than we would ever need! What grace we can find in time of need! Praying you will be given a measure of that grace every day, going forward til at last, we meet, unhindered by any disabilities, around the throne of the Lamb!