I will never forget the day my mother and mother-in-law played their first round of grandma tug-of-war. With our two-week-old son as the rope.
The competition was held at my parents’ home.
We stayed there for a few weeks after our baby was dismissed from NICU before taking him to the remote corner of South Dakota where we lived 90 miles from the nearest hospital. My husband’s mother, who lived in Alaska and had scheduled a June visit to meet the baby at our house, changed her ticket and first laid eyes on her grandson at my parents’ home instead.
The special needs grandparenting tug-of-war was on.
Both grandmas had spent considerable time fretting over and praying for their grandson. First, when they heard he’d been life-flighted 750 miles for the surgery that saved his life. Then, for three weeks as he recovered in NICU. By the time they met our little shaver, their I-just-want-to-snuggle-that-sweet-little-baby instincts were in high gear.
The special needs grandparenting tug-of-war commenced.
“When my babies were fussy,” my mother advised, “I used to wrap them tight and hold them close. Like this.” She took fussy little Allen from my arms, wrapped him tight, and held him close.
“When my boys fussed,” my mother-in-law countered, “I took off the blankets, and sometimes their clothes, and jiggled them.” She took Allen from my mother and demonstrated. “Like this.”
Thankfully, the tug-of-war ended without casualties.
Though, as I was in a sleep-deprived, hormonal, and emotional state I don’t remember how. Probably, my husband, ever the diplomat, brokered a peace treaty that satisfied their needs as grandparents. Now that I’m a grandparent myself, I understand those dear women’s desires to bond with their grandson. I also realize that by implementing the simple steps below, the tug-of-war could have been avoided completely. I can’t turn back the clock 33 years for a do over, but perhaps you can use them to avoid a tug-of-war when grandparents come to visit your child with special needs.
- Realize that the grands are grieving. Just like you, they were looking forward to coming to the hospital to meet their new grandchild and rejoice in a healthy new life. But just like you, they lost all that because of your child’s special circumstances. So be aware they need to grieve.
- Encourage them to develop a grief support network. A network that consists of loving and wise friends, church family, and even professionals. But not you. You have your own grief to manage, along with the challenges of special needs parenting. Be firm about this if necessary.
- Educate and include the grands. Provide them with reading material and websites so they can learn about your child’s condition. If they are willing and competent, train them in the special needs aspects of your child’s care.
- Encourage grands to bond with their grandkids. Show them how to communicate and relate to your child. Suggest activities for them to do together. Invite them over to hang out.
- Spread the love. If at all possible, schedule separate visits for the grands from different branches of the family. Babies get cranky when surrounded by too much activity. No wonder our boy was fussy! Had I known back then what I know now, I would have asked my mother-in-law to come to our home once we were back in South Dakota. I could have used the help, and she and our son both deserved a chance to get to know one another, quietly and calmly, without any competition.
- Ask the grands to pray. So often, grands feel helpless as they watch their children become parents in less than ideal circumstances. So give them specific ideas of how to pray for your child and for you. They will appreciate being able to do something.
As grammy to three of the most adorable and precocious children in the universe, I know that grandparent love is unlike any other.
It is fierce.
It is proud.
It is all-consuming.
It is unconditional.
It’s a love that can make grandparents a little crazy, because they know their relationship with grandchildren is wholly dependent upon the the child’s parents. On the access parents allow. On the information and education parents offer. On the way parents talk about the grandparents to their grandkids.
Parents, you hold the rope that tugs at the heart of every grandparent of a child with special needs. May God grant you the wisdom to do what you can to bind together the generations surrounding you with cords that can not be broken.
Bind us together, Lord.
Bind us together with cords that cannot be broken.
Bind us together, Lord.
Bind us together, Lord.
Bind us together with love.
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