One of the realities of raising a neurologically disabled child is what I call “thick glass.”
Thick glass is the clear yet mostly impenetrable divider between a parent’s unconditional love for his or her child and the child’s seeming total lack of response—that disheartening vacant look. Parents grieve behind thick glass, ever longing to touch their child’s heart yet wondering if their reach gets through. But just as God touches our souls, I believe communion continues far beyond the spoken word or outward response, even if the outward expression seems unmoved. I am confident of this.
I recall one “nothing-special” day when I encountered thick glass. But because of my belief that my son Jon knows I love him, that opportunity challenged me once again to reach through the glass, however thick. Love is an unconditional expression, a gift given without expectation of any “thank you” note in return. On this “nothing-special,” priceless day, I peered into his eyes and said over and over: “I LOVE YOU! I love you, Jon. I love you inside and out. I LOVE everything about you. I cherish you. I LOVE YOU, LOVE YOU, LOVE YOU!!!” Out of the clear-blue sky, Jon whispered back to me, “Mommy, I love you.” I almost fainted. In that brief moment of time, the thick glass shattered.
I often wonder if God experiences my thick glass. My expressions to Him may appear vacant and I show no outer appearance of communing with Him, yet He persistently reaches out, showering me with His unconditional love, His cherishing of my soul. God doesn’t see thick glass; He only sees a child He loves. Can you hear His words of love? Can you hear Him calling your name? “(your name), I love you. I LOVE YOU ________! I love you ________! ________, you are my treasure! I LOVE YOU ________, inside and out! I LOVE everything about you ________! I cherish you ________! I LOVE YOU, LOVE YOU, LOVE YOU ________!!! His grace is amazing, how sweet the sound. He LOVES YOU!
It’s so special when we get that BREAK THROUGH moment. We might wait a long time until the next one, but they are all so worth it! THANKS for sharing!
Such joy-giving truth and encouragement, Colleen! I know it’s been true for me with my kids, too. All kids challenge us to know God as Father more deeply, but somehow these “special kids” (even when they don’t ACT especially special!) show us painfully, beautifully deep things about ourselves. For me, it’s that relating has gone far down on the list of important things in the years of treatments for my 9 year old daughter. She’s in many ways become a list of things to do and follow up on…. and it’s only in the past month that I have felt God poignantly reveal to me how much I’ve lost that relationship for the sake of helping her heal. Thick glass, that is!
Oh, Colleen…your words ring so true. Blessings, friend.
Oh, how I love this. It makes my heart hurt and praise at the same time.
Those “break through” moments are what keep us going as mom’s. Thanks for sharing one of yours.
One of the aspects of having any child, special needs or not, is its ability to mirror our childlikeness in the relationship we have with God. We are spiritually unhousebroken. We make spiritual messes all the time. We don’t seem to hear him when he calls our name. We say “no” when he wants us to obey and say “yes.” We have to learn the same lessons over and over. For those of us with “special” children, those parallels become even more pronounced. In the moment of our pain and frustration, however, I for one tend not to see the parallel. But this morning I did thanks to your post, Colleen. I needed that! –Blessings, Kelli