Yesterday I was stumped when a reader asked me this question … causing me to pray for a response to one of the most difficult, baffling questions a parent of a special needs kid can ever face.
Have you ever asked God this question?:
Why, God, did you give me a child with a special need?
First let me say that I wouldn’t begin to tell you that I know the mystery of God’s limitless wisdom. But I will tell you this: I know that God’s promise that “all things will work together for our good.” (Romans 8:28) … is very true.
Please don’t shut me out just yet!
I’m not tossing you another platitude, one of those tiring, meaningless statements that you’ve no doubt heard before. I understand that when we are in the muck of life with our child, we want more than a quick response to a difficult problem. We want help and answers right now, so it is hard to care about the bigger picture, to somehow make sense of today’s sorrow for a greater purpose in your life.
And yet, I am not kidding you. Being the mother of a child with autism … has blessed our family.
I want to be real with you, though: Was it hard? OH YES. Were there days I wanted to give up? YOU KNOW IT! MANY TIMES! (and somedays I still do). Did I get angry at God on hard days? YES, I DID! (but He can take my frustrations and love me still.) In the early years, Alec was very difficult to parent. But with the passing years, winter to spring and summer to fall, he gets better while I get stronger, and all thanks to God’s faithful help.
And that’s the key.
I have learned to lean on God—hard—to get us through the difficult days. I have learned to LOOK UP to God instead of looking at my circumstances. And I find that after all of the trials, year after year and minute by minute, we have survived. God has proven that He is faithful. That we can still laugh. We can still smile. With dirt on our faces, standing in the muck of life, we can see with our own eyes that life is precious and holy… when God is in control.
Living with a child with special needs is a great journey. Yes, there are impossibly hard days, but also some amazing victories.
The truth? If you can believe me…I wouldn’t trade my rock-filled path with anyone. Looking back on it all, I would never ask for another mom’s road.
So we come full circle, back to the original question: Do you know why I personally, truly, and honestly think God gave me an autistic son? Are you ready for this? If so, here is my answer:
I think He gave me an autistic son because He really, really loves me. He wanted me to discover just how faithful He really is. He wanted to give me a gift that no man could take away: A special knowledge of the power, strength, holiness, faithfulness, might and wisdom of God that only comes from NEEDING HIM DESPERATELY.
I believe that it is the answer. I also believe that is why He gave you a child like my Alec. Because He really loves you, and He wants to show you just how much.
There’s so much more that I’d like to share with you, especially if you are a loved one of a special needs child.
Most importantly, God is very able to help you and your sweet child. Not only is He able, but He desires to surround you with His strength, patience and love. He’s proven that love by giving us an inheritance of promises that we can count on to make it through the hard days.
Better still, God sent the very best Advocate (John 14:16 and 1 John 2:1) we could ever want for our child! This Advocate is one that we don’t have to seek out. We won’t need to place a second (or third) mortgage on our house to afford His services. He knows everything about our child: their innermost thoughts, the words they say (or cannot say), and the structure of every cell in their body.
This Advocate hears our children when they cry and whispers comforts to them on long, restless nights. He is the voice that they do not have. The Peace that they seek. The arms that never tire, even when our own arms, as parents, do. He sits at the right hand of Almighty God and has His Father’s ear. He knows that we will encounter trials and hardships, but He has already overcome them, promising rest, guidance and wisdom when we need it.
Our Advocate—Jesus—longs to help you! I know, because He helped me, and He helped my son.
He was there when I’d had enough. He listened when I felt lost and alone in a crazy, messed up world with a child I didn’t know how to communicate with. When I would have given up, He promised a better day for my son … and for me.
I am convinced that God’s ears quicken to the sound of a troubled child’s cry. I know that He listens to every prayer that rises from the lips of a mother. I know that He is for us.
Our Advocate is standing by.
Know that God will honor every promise, and I mean every promise, that Scripture gives to His children. I want you to know that you can have joy again, overflowing, spilling out, and never running dry… if you will surrender your cares to Him. It won’t happen in a day, but trust me, it will happen.
The truth is that we are blessed to love a special needs child. Blessed to experience the beauty of that love.
Yes, that’s what I wanted to tell you.
If you would like to know more about Biblical promises to face a special need—and there are many—that’s what my book Autism’s Hidden Blessings: Discovering God’s Promises for Children with Special Needs is about. It’s about a God who cares VERY MUCH about children with special needs—a message to parents who need to know just how much they are loved. You can preview it by clicking here.
Also, watch two personal stories about the process of finding strength for the special needs journey by checking out the recording from last Sunday’s Spreecast, “Finding Strength for the Autism” (or any special need!) with fellow author Patty Myers, author of the encouraging book, “Autism is a Blessing.”
I want to leave with you with this truth: You and your child are vastly, profoundly, and deeply loved. God is for you!
So walk in the victorious onfidence of Christ today!
Latest posts by Kelly Langston (see all)
- Have a Merry, Messy Christmas! - December 22, 2015
- Gratitude: God’s Secret Pathway to Protection - November 24, 2015
- Will It Be All Right? (And What if You Aren’t Sure?) - October 28, 2015
I came across this website & was reading the comments posted on here. We have a 5 year old son who is autistic & nonverbal. On top of that, I have dealt with depression & anxiety since my 20’s & I’m now 41. I will admit, it is so hard. I feel most days the same way a lot of you feel: depressed, angry, confused, used up with little to no patience left for anything. We also have a 10 year old daughter & trying to keep a household balanced with a special needs child is very hard. I also struggle spiritually. I too often wonder, why God, why me? Have I not been through enough? Are you punishing me for some reason? BUT, I will tell you, that there has NEVER & I MEAN NEVER been a day that we wished our son was gone. EVER!!!!!!! It is my responsibility especially as his mother to love & nurture & protect & care for him NO MATTER WHAT!!! I don’t care what special needs a child is or is not born with, a child is a gift from God & it is our duty to do our very best to care for & love them. Am I perfect? Of course not. Do I lose my patience? Yes I do. But at the end of the day, he is our son & NOTHING can or will take that away!! We love that little boy so much that it hurts, our hearts literally feel like they could explode because of the love we have for him & our daughter as well. We love both of our kids the same even though they are not the same. If that child picks up on love & affection, that makes a world of difference. They may be special, but that doesn’t mean they cannot sense when they are not wanted. What an awful, awful feeling that is, especially for a child who had no say & who certainly did not ask for their situation. In short, YOU LOVE YOUR KIDS NO MATTER WHAT!! How dare anyone want to throw them away like a piece of trash. If that’s you, respectfully, you’re the one who needs help, not them. I’m sorry if I offend anyone, but I’m not sorry. You brought that child into this world, you OWE them that love & nurturing, because they certainly didn’t ask for this. I could never in my worst days EVER even allow a thought like that to enter into my mind. Our son is precious & I wouldn’t trade that little boy for ANYTHING in this entire world!!
Be still and know that he is God. Get in a room very still and quiet and hear his whisper . DON’T
question God just trust him and depend on him daily. You will be blessed.He will not give you more than you can handle. Watch the attacks from the enemy.
My 3 year old autistic son is non verbal but he has developed very severe tantrums…those which made me n my husband quarrel every single day. My each and every night ends with tears as to why God uses my baby boy just to show his greatness and might. Why make my innocent son suffer and unable to face the world?? I seriously don’t agree with you
My daughter, Isabella has CP. she is non verbal and is in a wheelchair. Cognitively she she there ( average IQ) she was adopted at birth. The first 3 months were perfect. I thought God answered my prayers I had rough life growing up. I have Mild case of CP myself. I grew up with a mom that left about the same time my family found out about my CP. I was an outsider through out school. Thought I had friends but they were never there for me when truly needed them. I do have a job as a teacher and drive and do everything others do. At three months we found out about Izzy’s CP. my world went dark and I thought God punished me and my husband There are days when I cry all day and then there those great days that Izzy makes my day. She works hard all the time. I try to be very positive and it is hard to see typical kids run and play and Izzy just sits there. I can’t physically help her. She is getting very heavy to carry I pray God to give her a better life. She gets upset when sees other kids play and I can’t do anything to help. I keep praying for a miracle. I have know many people who have done mortal sins like abortions and they have typical kids and a happy family that can go anywhere without problems I have tried many times to understand why. My husband and I fight all the time now. I can’t do this on my own and need him. I hate my life and feel I can’t mother my daughter a anymore I love her with all my heart, but I am struggling all the time. The summer are the hardest at least during the school year I can leave my problems at home. I don’t want to feel this way. I need to understand why.
I understand what your going through my sister is going through it her son memphis mink is about to be 3 and he is wheelchair bound the rest of his life he can’t speak he eats through a feeding tube through his stomache and her child’s father left her at the time she needed him the most .she has it rough in an out of hospital with her son anyhow he’s getting heavier and heavier she goes to work to try and ease the pain but she worries constantly about him.
I am sooo angry at God. I have a 5 year old with nonverbal autism. 10 year old with severe adhd, ad a 3 year old nonverbal developmentAL delay. If God loves us so much then why would make my children like this? Punish me. Fine. But it takes a sick be g to “use” a child to do anything. The anguish that y kids go through is insane. I am a shell of a person. I hate God for what he has done to my children. HE created them. And he is cruel and unloving.
Good evening my sister in Christ I promises you things will get better.for you. All theses.babies .you have .will speak.. the lord he .going to deliver.them like.he did.mines.andi promice.stay fo:cus.happy newyears*
So true !!!
My 3 year old autistic son is non verbal but he has developed very severe tantrums…those which made me n my husband quarrel every single day. My each and every night ends with tears as to why God uses my baby boy just to show his greatness and might. Why make my innocent son suffer and unable to face the world?? Even I prayed. Is there magic in others prayers? I seriously don’t understand the author
I’m sorry, but I struggled to appreciate this article. Our autistic son is 6, but behaves like a 1-year-old. He hardly speaks. We love him, but sometimes he’s incredibly hard to handle. He screams when we don’t understand him, and we are so worn down. I have to work, leaving him with my wife, and she struggles. He’d very strong, and getting stronger. We have prayed, cried, begged. Nothing. Our hearts are broken over and again, and we are so very tired. So tired, and disappointed.
My son has no diagnosis as of yet. But he’s nonverbal at almost 3. He was a preemie who batted an infection while in the NICU. I’m so angry at God because not only did he almost die within his first few days of life when he should have still been in my womb, but now he’s still suffering. All of the therapies and appointments. No real improvement in speech. I’m going insane thinking about his future. Will he be able to live independently. Go to college, have a career. Perhaps find someone to love and marry. I’m now pregnant with my second child and I worry so much. I’m angry at God! No one and I mean no one can identify with me and my husband. So many women I knew that could have cared less while they were pregnant. One smoked her ENTIRE pregnancy and guess what? Her son is very smart and talks all the time! Same age as my son. My husband doesn’t fee the same way and says we don’t know our sons story yet. He believes whole heartedly that. He will speak when he’s ready and live somewhat of a normal life. I pray daily often at least a few times a day. I just can’t seem to break this hold.
Hi, Tiffany. I know exactly how you feel. I felt all of those same emotions, too, especially when Alec was 3. He was nonverbal, too. I don’t know your son, but I am confident that God did give him to you for a very special reason, and God chose you to be his parents. And because He chose you, He will provide for you in this role. God can handle your anger. I’ve been angry, too.
My son, Alec, did not speak at 3, but he has come a long way since then. So many difficult days, and even now, it’s a struggle, but somewhere along the way I learned to lay down all of my questions about the future and just trust God. That took years though.
There’s a lot to come, Tiffany. Hold on for that time. God really does have a plan, and I want you to know, that even though those days — when Alec was 3 — were so very difficult, looking back (now that he is 15), I can recall so many days when we laughed and had joy. At 3, I could never have imagined that I would be able to laugh and have joy again. But somehow, that did come. It took a long time, but it was worth the wait.
Don’t give up, Tiffany. Here was (and is) my prayer for my son, one that I know God answers, and I found it to be a powerful prayer: That God would help Alec, my son, be “all the man that He intended him to be.” Alec and your son have a purpose and plan that a special need cannot take from them. Nothing can take it from them.
Never underestimate what God can do. Marriage, a job, college, a career… all that really matters is that our sons live out the great purpose that God has for them, whatever that is. I pray that nothing keeps them from that purpose. Honestly, Tiffany, our sons have a lot to give and share with the world. I’ve seen Alec teach and say things that I never could.
Tonight, know that God has His hand on you. Rest in Him and trust Him. He will see you through. My prayers are with you and your family.
Thank you so very much for your kind words and encouragement! God bless you!
im so sorry you feel so unloved and uncared for, but can you see anything in your life that went right, GOD DOES LOVE YOU, HE NEVER SAID IT WOULD BE EASY11 ONLY THAT OF YOU PRAYED TO HIM AND ASKED FOR HIS GUIDANCE, HE WILL BE THERE, it’s not always in our time, but his,, and I’m sorry that no one has held you and that you feel all alone,YOU ARE NOT ALONE,, REMEMBER TO TAKE TIME FOR YOURSELF TOO, DONT LOOSE YOURSELF IN TAKING CARE OF EVERYONE ELSE… I myself have 3 children all with different needs, one with Aspergers syndrome and the other 2 with ADHD, and OCD, YES ITS VERY TRYING AT TIMES, YES I YELL OUT TO GOD WHY ME, AND I ALWAYS GET MY ANSWER, SO THAT YOU WILL SEEK ME OUT MORE… SO THAT YOU WILL CALL MY NAME AND KNOW THAT I AM GOD AND I ALONE CAN COMFORT YOU IF YOU WILL ONLY ASK…..GOD MADE SOME VERY BIG PROMISES TO US IN THAT BLACK BOOK, YOU PROBABLY HAVENT OPENED UP IN A WHILE,, WHEN THINGS LOOK THE
BLEAKEST, HOLD FAST AND SEARCH HIM OUT, YOU WILL ALWAYS FIND YOUR ANSWERS,,,,
Thank, you, Heidi.
I stumbled upon this site, no God led me to this site. I have been searching (unknowingly) for this. Thank you
We have two adopted sons who were born with multiple drugs and addicted to crack cocaine. Later we found out that bio-mom drank alcohol off and on throughout the 6-7 months she carried the boys. They have been diagnosed with multiple issues among them are ARND, ADHD, OCD, DD, Anxiety, behavioral issues, emotional disturbances, and many more.
you people are crazy CRAZY CRAZY, autism the worst thing that can happen to a family, it has stolen what could of been a beautiful life with my other children, you are idiots to believe its a blessing , it is not its a CURSE, CURSE CURSE, feeling so much hate and anger I have with my own child is not normal, he ruins every holiday, every positive fun thing our family wants to do, he is there to ruin it, hes embarrassing in public, I now refuse to be seen in public with him, its horrible, afterschool and weekends long holidays are the worst, I want to shoot myself and get this misery over with, its like im already dead inside, just letting time take its course, It really upsets me when I read stupid idiotic posts like these and consider autism a blessing, these kids will never be able to rule and govern our world , ever, what ‘s the point of their existence, sure they supposedly smart, but at what, the majority of them will never be able to use their supposed intelligence……..for the last 10 years my life and my entire family has been on hold, I cant move forward , my hopes and dreams have been shattered, my other kids cant wait to leave my house, and never want to have children because of autism and what it does to a family, it has destroyed ours completely, a very traumatic experience, blessing would be to find safe and decent place to send him away without feeling guitly..I’m sick of hearing the word Austism.If I could go back I would of had an abortion, regardless my religion or beliefs, it would of saved me alot of grief…….:(
^ I agree with the above, to an extent (on my worst days – on my less-desperate days, I’m merely an empty shell but not an angry one). I have been punished as long as I can remember, sexually and physically abused, had animals killed and abused in front of me as my punishment for not feeding them on time or not cleaning the litter box well enough, was humiliated, threatened with death and so on. I DID TURN to God, over and over and over and over and over, and He ignored me. Utterly. Never, ever helped, not even with a positive or comforting feeling. If the aim was to “make me desperately need him,” that failed, so obviously, that isn’t God’s motive with every single person. With some of us, He just doesn’t care, and truly doesn’t love us. THAT is the hard truth that nobody wants to address or accept, but it exists. You just don’t want to believe it does.
I continue to be punished over and over, now with an autistic son for whom I do everything, literally everything but it makes no difference. I am an exhausted, used-up, empty, unloved, uncared-for (yes, including by God, if God exists), emotionally crippled walking shell that just wants to be dead. Still God doesn’t come, He never comes, not in nearly half a century of living so far.
What some people won’t accept is that some of us ARE NOT loved by God, in fact for whatever reason, we’re despised by Him, but those who are “more blessed” and are supported in some way don’t want the guilt of knowing that, so they (you) turn a blind eye.
But it’s the truth…ugly or not.
I am so sorry. This is an older post and I have not written for Not Alone for some time now so I missed these comments. I just saw the two posts above, and, well, they break my heart.
I know that there is little I can say that might make a difference to you. So I’m praying that God Himself will show you that, indeed, He does love you and is no respecter of persons. (Acts 10:34) He loves you no less than me. Seriously.
Being a Christian does not exclude us from sorrow. People may think that, but it does never promises to give us a pain-free life. Just consider that 11 of the 12 disciples died a martyr’s death. That doesn’t make things easer, though, I know. This life? Well it can stink at times. But being a Christian means that we don’t have to go it alone. Ever.
I’m praying that in some way, God will show up to you and show you that He does, indeed, love you. This journey is hard. Very hard. But the story? It’s not over yet! There is so much more to come. Oh, I pray you hold on for it.
You both wrote months ago… I wish I had seen them so long ago. I can only pray, again, that God will show you that He does, in fact, love you greatly.
Mel, I do not accept that God choose to love SOME people, and despise others. I am so very sorry that you’ve gone through so much. I do believe that one day, Jesus will return with a word, and that word very well might be “ENOUGH!” Enough sorrow. Enough pain. Enough of the joy being stolen by our enemy. Enough sickness. Enough injustices. Enough autism and depression.
Enough. I know that day is coming. (Rev 21:4): He will wipe every tear from their eyes, and there will be no more death or sorrow or crying or pain. All these things are gone forever.”
We are in a fallen world. God did not create it this way, but rest assured, He WILL restore it. Hang on. Please, hang on.
GOD loves you..I’m sorry for the abuse that you have had to endure…I was never a used but I was raised in poverty to the utmost and violence lost both parents by age 34 lost 2 siblings in the past 2 years..and it hurts..but I just can’t let go of GOD because he’s holding me together..We all have a common enemy.. Our adversary the dvl needs to be binded and rebuked In the NAME OF JESUS..Please pour your heart out to The Holy Father in Heaven in JESUS NAME on a secret place by yourself and tell him how you feel in a respectful way..You’ll be surprised how much better you will feel and better days ate ahead
Maybe GOD wants to use you as a spokesperson.. to help others mothers with children with austism…You may be stronger than you think you are.. These special needs children need a spokesperson..Have you had his hearing checked.. He can also take anti anxiety medications to help calm him down.. Don’t feel ashamed to put.him in a special school that can keep him for a week while you take a needed vacation.. Maybe you could start a business of taking care of special needs kids for a one week minimim..there is a lot of money to be made if you get the right staffing.. I’ll be praying for you..GOD loves you
It not the child fault if he has autism as mother it is your duty to love and care are for him no matter how hard it gets
This to Lisa. I am so sorry that you feel that way towards your son. It breaks my heart to hear a mother talk so horrible about her child. He struggles enough with his special needs, and to know that his own mother wishes him gone…must truly be devastating to him. Knowing that someone you should feel loved and protected by, speaks so negative about you, is probably the worst thing in the world. There are days with my autistic daughter , that I feel hopeless, agitated, and angry. But, I could not imagine my life without her. It’s hard to stay positive and keep faith, but I do. If he makes your life that unmanageable that you can’t say one thing nice about him, find a family that will. He picks up on your feelings towards him. How he must feel. 😞 Just so very sad to blame a child for something that is out of his control.
This was a beautiful reminder of how much God loves us and our special needs children!!! THANK YOU for sharing!!! I have an almost 4 year old daughter that was diagnosed with ASD and I could not agree more, even our toughest days, that Autism has blessed our family and grown me as His child more than I could ever imagine! I can’t wait to read more of what you’ve written and appreciate you ministering to us parents! Many blessings to you and your family!
What really helped me was to hear a message by a Women’s Ministry pastor that instead focused on the fact that raising a child with special needs is a calling. It is a task that is not easy (as we all know) and that not everyone is capable of doing. God reserves this responsibility for a chosen few and to feel blessed! We often need to challenge our perspective because it is so limited and we fail to understand and see the much bigger picture. God does give us more than we can handle because we can’t do it on our own power but His alone.
God will be glorified through your children. I Corinthians 1:26-31.
Thank you, Kelly, for words that are bringing light into lots of dark corners today! During our prayer group this evening, our lectio divina was on Rev. 21:1-6. The Lord gave John a vision, and told him to “WRITE IT!” Each time we testify to the glimpses God gives us of his Kingdom, we bring the Kingdom a little nearer to many people. That’s what you’ve done today.
Thank you! Let’s keep writing then!
My special needs 22yr old asked me today if there was a pill she could take to make her like everyone else would I want her to take it?? My answer is the one it always is (less loudly on the difficult days) This the package you came in, this is how god gave you to me and I love u!
Perfect answer, Cindy, and so true!
Thank u, I needed to hear this.
Thank you so much for this post. On difficult days, it is a hard message to hear but I agree with you; I have grown in patience, in love, in empathy through parenting my autistic son. I have been made to put aside dignity and stop trying to “fit in” with society. I have learned to stop comparing myself to other people, and our family with other families. We walk our own path and we are (in the most) happy. Parenting my son and facing many frustrations in so doing has given me a glimpse of the Father and His infinite love, patience and forgiveness. God has given me a beautiful, kind, good hearted son and I thank Him every day for this boy, even whilst I struggle in the hard times. There have been times when I have been on bended knee, begging the Lord for strength to carry on, to help me to forgive my son when he has physically or emotionally hurt me. He got us through those worst years and now our son is loving, talking, engaged and learning to love Jesus too. Life can be cruel at times but the Lord loves us and is always there for us. I could not have got here, and we would not be the family we are now, without Him.
Thank you for sharing your encouraging story! Hearing it blesses my heart. I love how you wrote about your journey and how God has helped your son be “loving, talking, engaged and learning to love Jesus too.” Thank you!
So well said. I just sent this to all the parents in a facebook group for Christians parenting chidren with autism. Thanks.
Thanks for sharing, Ruth. I believe in this message, so I appreciate it!
Amazing post…you spoke my heart and today I needed this reminder of what I know in my heart! Thank you!
God is good….you are welcome.
I thank God very single day for giving me such a precious gift and blessing! I could not imagine my life any different and am so thankful to have such a wonderful dear child!!!
I appreciate.your words so much! My son, Adam, is 30 and in his early days there were no books much less the Internet to give parents encouragement. It truly was the dark ages! I remember praying for a Christian that I could connect with who had a disabled child. (God did answer that very specific prayer, by the way!) This blog is a great ministry tool! Thanks to all of you!
Hi, Connie! Things have come a long way in terms of support. You were one of the wonderful parents who paved the way for that…
What a blessing this post is!
I needed to hear this today..