As soon as I entered the room I knew something was wrong. All eyes around the conference table turned to me as the principal asked, “Mrs. Anderson, where have you been? Our meeting was supposed to have started half an hour ago.”
I was dumbfounded. Really? 30 minutes? Because I had been waiting for them the past half hour in the front office! (All the while, a very confused secretary had apparently kept us waiting on each other.) Definitely not the best way to begin our first IEP meeting at my son’s new school.
Mistakes. We all make them. Schools make them. Doctors make them. We parents make them. It seems to be the human condition to mean well but to bump along our journey making this wrong turn and then that. And no matter how much we promise ourselves that we will “do better next time,” life just seems to have a way of throwing us curves.
When I first started my blog several years ago, Divine GPS, it was to write about this very thing—this journey of life that seems so hard to navigate, especially when you add in the variable of special needs parenting. We take one winding road after another in our search for answers, cures, and therapies, but like little kids in the back seat, we often find ourselves impatiently asking God all the while, “Are we there yet?”
The trouble is, that is the wrong question. And yet, after 19 years of travelling on this journey, I still forget that life with God has never been about “arriving” or finally getting everything fixed. Patched. Corrected. Or problem free. That is an illusion I fight to this very day with every new treatment or behavioral modification that seems to dangle that tantalizing promise of a solution.
Because even if the therapies did work, even if autism left our home for good, it wouldn’t change the fact that life with God has never been about perfect steering. It’s about our faithful, continual, daily reliance on Him, and learning to trust and let Him take the wheel instead of presuming to be a backseat driver. It has never been a question of “Are we there yet?” but rather, who are we relying on each day of this journey toward Home?
The other morning, realizing I needed yet another attitude adjustment, I came to Psalm 135. When I read verses 3 and 4, it was the reminder I needed to calm the internal storm after my latest IEP snafu (and the several parenting mistakes I’d rather not mention). God encouraged me with the words, “…for the Lord has chosen Jacob for himself, Israel for his own special treasure.” (Italics, mine.)
Jacob? The lying, cheating, manipulating man from Isaac’s dysfunctional family? Yes. That Jacob. Jacob (now Israel) was God’s own special treasure, complete with a limp, a tangible reminder of a profound turning point in his life.
God loved him and called him his own, but not because he suddenly became a perfect son who now obeyed without question and got everything “right.” In fact, we know from the rest of the story that Israel (Jacob) continued to still get many things wrong.
But here is what he did do correctly: He wrestled with God and held on for dear life. He wouldn’t give up. We should be no different. No matter the circumstance, we need to hold on to God, wrestling with Him if we must, as well as wrestling with ourselves and our families in an effort to keep following Christ, even though we may limp in the process.
So why does this matter?
Because on days when my children seem to choose self-destruction and I feel inadequate, ignorant and even “bad” as a special needs parent, God reminds me: My Abba Father is not done with me. He is holding on. He points me daily to the source of my wholeness, Christ, and He is able to do it even through my “Jacob-ness”. Through mistakes, sins, situations out of our control or caused by us, we are still His special treasure. He has chosen us for himself and He will not give up on us, or our families. He is in the drivers seat and we can trust Him day by day on this journey until we finally make it to our eternal Home. Allelujah!
–Kelli Ra Anderson
Question: Are you making time each day to “wrestle” with God and to allow Him to calm your fears, connect with your heart and assure you that He is still in the drivers seat?
Latest posts by Kelli Ra Anderson (see all)
- Calming our Anxiety in Special Needs Parenting - August 24, 2015
- Victory in the Seeming Loss of Special Needs Advocacy - June 22, 2015
- Retreating in God’s Hands: respite for the special needs parent - May 25, 2015
I’ve often wondered about God’s selection process myself (re: choosing Jacob, for example).
When I was a little kid, reading the Bible, I had a hard time believing that grown-ups could mess up so much. Now that I am older, I get it.
I am glad that God chooses and uses people according to His standards, not ours.
I agree Elizabeth. But you are way ahead of me. I didn’t start reading the Bible until I was much older! :0) Blessings to you, Kelli
Thank you for writing this beautiful reminder. After a long day off from school because of the holiday, I sat with my son with autism, Samuel (8) in our basement therapy room. He hung suspended in his airwalker swing, quietly taking deep breaths before heading to bed. I sat close by on the floor and just rested my head against the gymnastics pads set up on the wall (so he wouldn’t hit his head while swinging.) I closed my eyes, breathed deep, and reminded myself of these very things. That autism is a part of our life, and God is working in all of it. Giving joy in moments like these. Despite my earlier frustrations, there is still rest now. I have hope in the “already, not yet.” That we have a hope yet to come when Jesus makes all things new forever, but that we can live out that hope every day. Thank you again for this. Love it.
Sarah, thank you so much for your words. When I write, it is often just to share those things God is working hard on in my own life, so seldom does it mean I’ve written about successful “been there’s”, but, rather, “still doing that!” And for me, learning to rest in what you described so perfectly as the “already, not yet” is a daily choice I sometimes forget to make. I was really blessed by your post. Thank you. –Blessings to you — Kelli
I was blessed with a Down Syndrome son going on 24yrs now. I would give anything to write a BOOK TO ALL THE NEW MOM ‘ S @ DAD’S out there from A PARENTS JOURNEY not what a Doctor tells you will probably happen, but what your special little one will do to prove them wrong, in my case my son did it every time. I’m free to talk to if anyone has ?’s . Thank you Debi @ Ryan
We all need mentors like you, Debi, to encourage us when the medical community can only give us stats that simply cannot predict our children’s futures (and probably why they aren’t licensed in “fortune telling” along with their medical degree!). My guess is that many doctors are happy that their prognosis often errors on the side of underestimating how much more our children can become. Thank you so much for being a voice of hope to parents just newly diagnosed. May your voice be heard by all those God brings your way! Blessings– Kelli
Thank you for putting into words exactly where I find myself today.
I spent many years trying to “fix” things when it was me that needing
transformation. My Jacobness is still a work in progress but my
“momness” is now where it should be, completely dependent upon the Lord.
Susan, thank you for making me smile! I totally get the idea of our “momness” putting us in the mode of dependence on God :0) Blessing to you –Kelli
So glad you resonated with this too, Susan. You put a smile on my face today!
–Blessings to you Kelli