Stephen was stoned to death. He trusted in God completely, even as he was being falsely accused, he trusted in God and he still lost his life.
My husband preached about Stephen on Sunday and I kept thinking about our own family, our own trials, our own suffering, how disability impacts us and how often I cry out to God to help me, to help our family.
Trusting in God in the midst of trial does not mean everything will work out. It means that by trusting we have peace, even if the worst case scenario happens. Trust in the midst of trial is a result of a Spirit filled life. – Andy Stumbo
And here is a confession, so often I cry out to God in despair because I want Him to fix things! I cry out to him because I don’t want the worst case scenario, I don’t want the hard, I don’t want the messy. I want the peace, oh I want the peace but I want the peace to come because everything is okay, like, really okay.
But it’s not.
My middle daughter is eight years old, she has cerebral palsy and is going through a really hard time emotionally. She also has trauma and attachment issues, as well as anxiety and depression. We adopted her from Ukraine when she was almost four years old. Parenting a child from a hard place is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do.
The last two months have wrecked me. I’m incredibly thankful for her pediatrician and her therapists, who saw us a little more than once a week and talked to me on the phone sometimes several times a week. The therapists that are brave enough to say, “Ellen, you need to do neurofeedback too, you need a counselor to process all that hurt.”
We have wonderful friends that have been praying for our family. We made it because of those prayers.
But what I really want to say is, “Everything is supposed to be getting better. She’s supposed to allow the love of a family to heal her heart, to feel God’s love through us and allow that love to undo all the damage caused by the trauma and pain and loss she experienced the first four years of her life. She’s supposed to not let her physical limitations get her down because she knows we’re her biggest cheerleaders and we got her back. She’s supposed to leave that behind her and we all move on.”
After two months of intense intervention, trying different medications, getting extra time with her therapists, and surviving the Christmas season (which was hard!) we are at a better place. But I look back at the last two months and feel terrified to be there again, to be there when she’s a pre teen, or when she’s a teenager. Terrified that once more she will feel so hopeless.
But life is messy. So messy.
And what if we end up here again. What about when we end up here again.
I want to trust God, but I want it to mean this is all behind us. However, God never promised to take our problems away, he did not promise prosperity and blissful joy. He promised trials, because life is messy, “I have told you all this so that you may have peace in me. Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcome the world” John 16:33 NLT
That is not what trusting in God means, and this last Sunday I needed to hear that as my husband preached:
Trusting in God in the midst of trial does not mean everything will work out. It means that by trusting we have peace, even if the worst case scenario happens. Trust in the midst of trial is a result of a Spirit filled life. – Andy Stumbo
So we can make a plan for emergency situations. We’ve talked to her pediatrician and therapists about what it would look like if we have to take her to an inpatient facility. We have people helping us invest in our marriage too so that we can be stronger when these challenges come our way.
We need peace.
Not peace that everything will be okay, but peace that surpasses all understanding. The peace that only comes when life feels like it is falling apart, yet you know who you belong to, and you know He’s with you till the end.
I am leaving you with a gift—peace of mind and heart. And the peace I give is a gift the world cannot give. So don’t be troubled or afraid. John 14:27 NLT
Yes, a peace this world cannot offer, because it is a peace that is not dependent on circumstances, on whether our life is going well or falling apart. And that is exactly the peace I want, the peace I need.
I don’t know what your messy looks like, but may you find God’s peace in the midst of life.
(You can read about Stephen in the book of Acts chapters 7 and 8)
Latest posts by Ellen Stumbo (see all)
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Thank you Ellen. This really resonated with me. “I don’t want the messy. I want the peace, oh I want the peace but I want the peace to come because everything is okay, like, really okay. But it’s not” I’ve fought that fight and I’ve lost. I still fight that fight occasionally and it always leaves me empty and broken. Thank you for the reminder that God’s peace is right in the middle of my mess. I just need to stop looking at the mess and look at Him.
Read this in tears…I am SO spent! I had this dream…and 4 kids later, all adopted from hard places, I feel more overwhelmed that I could ever have imagined!
Thanks for the reminder that God doesn’t promise that it will always work out the way we expect…I don’t have peace about where I am…I feel like SO much is wrong…and it is…and I am unable to comprehend God’s wisdom in all of this–that He knows and allows so many wrong things to happen (like the hard places our kids were in to begin with) and sees the redemption that is hidden from us…
Thanks for sharing this–I need to be reminded that God did not promise me compliant children…or a faithful husband…He only promised His faithfulness, whether I can see it or not.
I’m SO glad you have some good supports for your family! Praying for you and your family!
“Parenting a child from a hard place is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do.” Yep. And you’re right. It’s not “if” we end up in a hard place again. It’s “when.” Your husband’s quote from the sermon reminds me of the verse in Hebrews that it’s impossible to please God without faith. That sometimes, faith is the whole point. Will we sow that seed in the middle of the pain? If that’s the only thing I have energy to sow in any given season of trials, praying I (all of us!) will have the courage to sow it. <3
hello – we adopted our daughter nearly nine years ago, she has been badly affected by abuse and neglect in her first two years before coming to us – life is hard – sometimes nearly too hard. Your article has encouraged me today – thank you. Take heart for yourself too – despite how hard it is we do see progress with our daughter – she is now 11 and a half and although the teen hormones are kicking in and giving us all a hard time – she is letting us in a bit more now than she did!! Thank tou for your post!
Love this.
My dear Ellen,
We also adopted (Russia) a little boy with severe issues. Among other issues, the words Reactive Attachment Disorder was so scary to hear after seven years of not completely understanding why he didn’t love us back. We are at the ten year mark and I have to tell you, he is totally healed and the most loving individual you can think of. Did I lose it some days? I lost it daily. Daily, Ellen. I wasn’t strong at all. I made so many mistakes. The toll on my marriage was incredible. But I can tell you this- there has been no greater miracle, no greater testimony I have ever seen than our son. God did it for us. He will do it for you.
Ellen, thank you! I can’t even begin to tell you how much I needed to read this tonight! Messy does look different – probably on an individual basis – but, like your life recently, it is just plain hard! Thanks again!
Whooh! There it is. Day 15 of this new year and the depth of “my word” [PEACE] and prayers answer. Right. Here. Thank you Ellen Stumbo! (if it helps you) Your words have given me so much this day! I could fill this whole little box and never FULLY say how much this hits home! I guess that’s a “home run” for you! God Bless!!
Ellen,
Thanks for this beautiful meditation on peace. We talk a lo in my family about what God does and does not promise. I honestly find myself wishing more pastors would teach on things the way your husband did. I am grateful to be in a church where the leaders understand that maturity doesn’t equal a happy life all the time, so I so many others with chronic illnesses struggling under a “less-than” mentality because of this type of teaching. My wife and I are learning to step into God’s peace even as things seem to escalate with our daughter and her school/IEP situation.