The last few months my son has really been struggling. He’s dealing with multiple issues that he has had since he was young…and short of divine intervention, this will not be the last time that he deals with these issues, I am sure. Like many of your children, he has co-morbid conditions and multiple diagnosis’…some of them are more accepted than others. He has autism and that is something that is widely accepted and talked about….He also has depression and the harmful thoughts that can go with it, but it is still a topic that most people are not comfortable with.
The first time my son really went to these dark places was after his dad left. He was eleven years old. We were already feeling the loss of friends and loved ones due to a forced move. As soon as people heard what kind of things my son was dealing with, the rest of our friends pretty much disappeared. We were told things like, “Doesn’t he know he’ll go to hell if he does that?” and ” Well, he just needs to knock that stuff off and get over those thoughts” …those were comments from our Christian friends. From another friend, we heard “I don’t want your son talking to my son about being sad or how he’s feeling, because I don’t want my son to think that’s an acceptable way to handle things”.
Flash forward nine years and I am finding once again, with just a few exceptions, those who I am close to and with whom I have shared what is going on, still are uncomfortable talking about these issues. There have been no follow-up calls or emails to see how things are going, no notes of encouragement or a note to say we’re thinking of you and praying for you. I had hoped by being a vocal advocate for those who deal with mental health issues, that I might have helped to educate my friends and family, but sadly that doesn’t seem to be the case.
As I was praying about what to write today, I felt God wanted me to talk about this subject. It’s out of my comfort zone to do so, mainly because of my son’s privacy… but I know from the thousands of people who write to me, that what we have experienced, is all too common. I am sure that there are many reading this, who have also felt the stigma of mental illness…and it’s for you that I am writing today. I want you to know that you are not alone. I want you to know that I understand how lonely it can be to deal with these things by yourself. I understand what it feels like to spend sleepless nights listening and watching to make sure everything is okay during the night…I understand what it is like to see your loved ones in such emotional and mental turmoil, that your heart feels like it will break for them. I want to remind you that even in the darkest of nights, even though it may feel like it… we are not alone and we are not abandoned…God is with us. He sees your tears. He feels your pain….and He knows the turmoil your child is going through. God is crying and grieving right along with us. It is with Christ’s power that we will endure. He is our strength. He is our loving Father, that holds us up, while we hold up our children.
What I’ve come to learn through my training and personal experience is most people don’t mean to be hurtful, they just don’t know what to say in certain situations. There are things in our society that we just aren’t taught to deal with…people aren’t sure what to say or do for someone who has a problem that does not have a “quick fix” to it, whether it be prolonged grief… a chronic illness or a disability… someone recovering from abuse or things like mental illness… because many people are uncomfortable and don’t know what to say, they just stay away.
This time around, I am not finding myself feeling angry or resentful…I understand what is happening. The first time it happened…well, that was a different story…for me, it was another thing I had to work through and learn to accept and forgive and come to understand. That “mama bear” comes out in me and I want to protect my child…I want people to accept what he deals with and to accept him…this is not something anyone would choose to have. It’s heartbreaking… and it does make us understand why someone longs to be in heaven, where there will be no more pain…and that is the bottom line of those dark thoughts and places…they just don’t want to hurt any more, or feel any more pain…
So, for any of you that deal with this, I’d like to offer a prayer now…
Our Father God,
We come together and we lift up all who are dealing with mental illness…whether it be their children, other loved ones, or themselves. Father, we pray for healing according to your will. We pray for peace and comfort. We ask Lord, that they will feel your presence in the dark valleys and know that you have not forgotten them or abandoned them. I pray that they will find relief, Lord. We pray that they will see a glimmer of light in the darkness that will give them enough hope to hold on for another day. Sometimes we can’t even take one day at a time…it’s one hour or a minute at a time, but we know Lord, that you are faithful and that you promise to never leave us or forsake us and though we may feel forsaken in those dark places, you are with us and you will see us through to the light.
Father, I ask that you will bring people to stand beside those in need. I pray for people to be moved with compassion and understanding. We pray that people will take the time to learn and educate themselves so they can find tangible ways to offer help and hope. Father, we pray that you will lift the heavy veil of shame that so many with mental illness wear. Mental illness is a physiological problem in the body… no different from having Diabetes or a heart condition, yet there is such a stigma attached to it…Father, what is hidden in the dark, shine your light of truth on it. Make people aware, so there can be acceptance and healing in this area. Father, I pray for every need, spoken and unspoken, that you will meet it…and Father, if there is anyone reading this who is dealing with the pain of losing someone to suicide, I pray for your comfort for them. I pray for those who have attempted it, that they will be relieved of guilt and shame and move forward to healing. For anyone that is feeling that there is no hope, or no need to carry on, I pray for divine intervention, Father… and I pray that you will bring someone to them now and put your angels about them to protect them…show them a sign that you are with them and that they have a purpose…show them that you have a good plan for them…a plan to give them a hope and a future. For each one, I pray that you will rain down your grace, peace and mercy and bring healing as only you can. In the name of Jesus we pray, Amen
Blessings, hugs and love to you all!
Here are some links that you might helpful…
http://hopeforthebrokenhearted.com/depression-mental-health/
http://hopeforthebrokenhearted.com/mental-health-disorders/
http://hopeforthebrokenhearted.com/teens/
http://hopeforthebrokenhearted.com/suicide/
http://hopeforthebrokenhearted.com/bipolar-disorder/
http://hopeforthebrokenhearted.com/fear-anxiety-worry/
http://hopeforthebrokenhearted.com/anxiety-disorders/
http://hopeforthebrokenhearted.com/hope/
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Thank you for sharing this. I special needs kids but we don’t deal with mental health issues. I want to be the kind of friend that will stand with her friends, but I don’t know how. So I’m going to read and pray about it.
I do not have a special needs child but I have a husband with severe mental illness and many of your words rang true for us too. Finding help was almost impossible and once we found help the diagnoses made us realize this was not a quick fix. We are VERY careful of who knows the details. Not because of shame but because of the fear, stigmas, and stereotypes that surround mental illness. Once one of his friends found out about his condition and he started to speak to my husband slowly and a bit loud. I started to laugh because my husband was looking at him like he was the one crazy. I asked the friend “What are you doing?”. He said I heard about his illness and wanted to make sure he could understand what I was saying. I said “He has mental health issues he doesn’t have brain damage”. Then we all laughed. People really don’t know what to say or do most of the time. I’m not offended anymore but it is a very lonely walk. To be honest there isn’t much info or eduction in this area. Once you go passed basic defining and symptoms the trail runs cold even for those of us that are the caretakers or main support and there is no support for us either. When my husband has episodes he can get sun downers syndrome. I go 24/7 with almost no sleep and if I do drift off I wake up in a panic until I find him. The last one lasted almost a month if it wasn’t for my oldest sons help I’m not sure if I would have made it. He has good care and I can call them for my husband when things are bad and that is wonderful but it’s a lonely walk most days. God is merciful though and my husband is much better now that he has steady medical help and therapy for his mental illnesses. Our family is close and filled with love. My children are learning compassion and understanding in a unfair world and we’re to busy to be fake so not all is bad. Thanks for your honest words.
This is so hard. It’s where so many of us are. As I read a few parts to my husband he said, “I guess unless we’re in ‘those shoes’ it’s just so hard to understand.'” We both feel like it’s more than just UNDERSTANDING, though…it’s caring…and sadly….many don’t. I’m praying for you and all those who might feel that dismissal and discouragement today…..and for those if us who might feel it tomorrow or down the road on our journey!
Thank you for your prayers Cindi. I think you are right…many don’t care, but some it’s just they are overwhelmed by it..don’t know where to start..are afraid, etc…but the bottom line is,we are to love each other with the love of Christ and to have His compassion and I think compassion needs to be taught…that’s part of why there is so much bullying today…and it doesn’t just come from children…people need to be taught and shown by example to see people through the eyes of Christ and to learn to love with His love… blessings to you and Joe!
Thanks for writing this. One area that I really struggled with was attending church. I’ve regularly attended church services for most of my adult life, and then it became obvious that we just weren’t welcome to attend anymore. We tried some other churches, but the result has been the same. The boys just make people uncomfortable. It’s been a struggle, but my family is learning to worship in non-traditional ways. Now we do home devotions, on-line worship, or attend outdoor worship services in the summer to name a few. I feel hurt when people attack our choices. We are a Christian family, we have a strong relationship with God, but it’s difficult to have a relationship with a brick and mortar church right now. We advocate for worshipping in non-traditional ways when it becomes necessary.
I understand Melissa. My son is also Autistic and Sensory Integration problems…so he has never been able to handle noise or crowds…we have yet to find a church that can accommodate him. They are very few and far between in our area. We are not alone…I have heard for the last 17 years parent after parent tell me they either have to worship separately as a family…i.e., one spouse goes to church while the other stays home with their child or they all stay home and worship together in the ways that you have mentioned…more and more churches are seeing that there are families within the Body of Christ that have varying needs and trying to accommodate, but I have sat in pastor’s meetings where the pastor’s from the community meet once a month and have been told things like there is no money, they don’t think there are enough people to justify reaching out, they don’t want to give training etc…it was pretty amazing to see how in a room of thirty local pastor’s not one church wanted to reach out. We need to keep praying that churches will realize the mandate that is given in Luke 14…the Body of Christ to be complete, needs to reach out and include the disabled. I commend you and I pray that you will no longer be attacked, but will find support and encouragement…I have no doubt the Lord is standing beside you!
Hugs to you Melissa!
Debbie
Mental illness is so misunderstood in the Christian community. It is as real as physical illness, and we need to respond to it with the same compassion and support we give when someone is diagnosed with cancer or injured in an accident. Thank you for opening up a discussion on the topic. Having walked a similar road with our son who had special needs, my prayers are with you.
You are so right Jolene… there is much work that needs to be done within the church for sure. I’m sorry for what you have been through with your son. Praying for you as well! (((Jolene)))
Thank you for posting this. Have shared with many who deal with such things. I am a mom of one special needs child who at times wears me out like I have 10. If it wasnt for God I do not know were I would be. We have dealt with similar reactions from society. We keep pushing forward trying to find those who are so special and open to us but they are few and far between. Thank you for writing this and putting into words what I cannot. You are a Godly inspiration .
Melissa, I am am saying a prayer for you now. I pray the Lord blesses you with the strength and energy you need for the rough days and I pray He brings people to come stand beside you and your family and to be the hands and feet of Jesus to you all. Blessings be upon you all.
Sending you a big hug with much love,
Debbie
This really moved me today Debbie. I am amazed by your strength & courage. God is so close to the brokenhearted. To have your heart broken time & again & after it all continue to have a heart of love and encouragement reveals to me how close & specisl your relationship is with God. I stand with you and others today who are facing the challenges of mental illness. You truly are an inspiration to us all. Thank you!
Craig, thank you so much for your kind, encouraging words. You blessed me, “thank you.” I have walked with the Lord for a very long time and I need Him like the air that I breathe…with every heartbreak, He fills those broken places with more of Himself and I am grateful that He wastes nothing in our lives…everything that I have ever been through, He has turned around and used to help others who are now walking the same path and it is a blessing to see the promise of Romans 8:28 in action! I went to your site after looking at your comment and I am rejoicing with you for all of the progress that Conner has made…I know that joy…my son has regressive Autism as well and had to regain so much after it hit him when we was two….every word is a joy and blessing to thank God over…I watched the clip that was shown in your church when he spoke his first paragraph and it made me cry..and to read how your church stepped up to help with his treatment..what an amazing blessing you were given! Our God does provide!…I am praying over you all and pray for continued healing and progress for Conner, for endurance for you and your wife and that the Lord will continue to bless your ministry.
Blessings be upon you.
Much love in Him,
Debbie
http://www.hopeforthebrokenhearted.com
http://www.debbiekay.net
Thank you for this article. I have often felt this way. People either don’t want to or don’t care to understand. I’ve kind of gotten used to it. My hubby and I very seldom go out alone. The last time was around Christmas. No one offers to watch the kids for us. It’s like everyone is comfortable in their lives and don’t want the craziness of ours to touch theirs. For a while I tried to make people understand. Then I retreated in our own little world. We do okay there, just the four of us.
I’m sorry that you have found little support Karen. I understand all that you say. As a single mom, going even to the store alone was difficult for many years…there are starting to be more churches that offer respite care for families, but we have so far to go with that to make it the standard practice everywhere. I am saying a prayer for you and your family now. May the Lord’s blessing be upon you all and may he bless you with people to see your need and come stand beside you.
Hugs to you,
Debbie
Thank you for sharing that. When you have special needs kids, regardless of age, folks tend to back away from you. Those who once were close stay at arm’s length. Most often it’s because they don’t know what to do or say, are uncomfortable with how “different” our kids are, and it’s easier to retreat from us than stand with us. The only one who knows and truly understands is Jesus, and He’s the only friend who never leaves us.
Hugs from a mom of 3 special needs kids….
I agree with all that you’ve shared Mrs. Abella. I am saying a prayer for you now that the Lord meets the needs of you and your family. May His blessing be upon you all and may He continually grant you strength, wisdom and endurance as you care for your children!
Hugs and love to you,
Debbie