Face it. We parents of children with special needs could be independently wealthy if we had a dollar for every silly remark we hear from others. Comments range from well-intentioned and misinformed to downright rude. But after any length of time, every parent raising a child with unique abilities will inevitably hear, “I don’t know how you do it!”
I’m never certain how to take that comment. Are you insulting my child’s behavior? Do you pity me for what you perceive to be my burdens in life? Do you think I’m saint-like or heroic? Or are you secretly saying, “Thank God it’s YOU who have that child with special needs and not me!”?
Whatever the case may be, I have a ready response for those words. I don’t do it. I can’t handle it. I am not strong enough or brave enough. God didn’t choose me to be the parents of my kids because I am any more remarkable, intelligent or patient than the next person. I also don’t press on with a stiff upper lip because I believe I’m paying the price for “karma” catching up to me.
The only thing I have going for me is a God who can handle it when I can’t. The same One who watched His only Son struggle, be rejected by others, suffer, and die is more than capable of handling anything I face with my child. If not for Him, I would never stop crying, never find hope, never find a purpose in all our family goes through.
If my family life were a reality TV show, the name of it should be “OUR HOT MESS”. It would reveal chaos, middle-of-the-night medical crises, disorganization, and continual adaptation because of unforeseen challenges encountered raising a child with special needs. Viewers would witness conflicted siblings, jealous of the attention received by the one with the diagnosis, yet worried about that one at the same time. They would also see the stress of juggling endless doctor and therapy appointments amidst the rest of the family’s obligations. The world would get a peek at our flood of bills inundating both table and counter top. And everyone would hear the continued volley of dark humor exchanged by our family in an attempt to normalize the craziness of our everyday lives. But woven into that not-so-average life, people would see our faith in an awesome God who carries us through.
Frankly, I don’t know how I do it either. I press on parenting these children because I have no other choice. I love them. What else would I do, but keep pushing forward? When I look back at the things we have come through, I see that it was that Rock, that faithful Father who got us through each and every time. When the worries of diagnosis or medical trauma confuse and upset us, the Truth always provides His discernment and clarity. When financial ruin and poverty threaten to strip us bare, Jehovah Jireh shows up with provision that we cannot explain. When we face a lack of cooperation with the school or the doctors, the enduring God of the Universe cares enough about little ol’ us and somehow manages the details.
My family and I are not anything remarkable. If He cares for us, He will care for you too. How do I do it? The same way you can do it – By fully relying on a good God who is big enough to handle any challenge, no matter how big or how small, on our behalf.
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Barbara Dittrich
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I have said this to a friend who has a medically dependant child. But I followed it with “you care for her complex needs with so much love that I truly admire you.” At the time I was caring for her little girl so she could attend church and she was thanking me for doing it. So I think most people mean it as a compliment to our parenting.
So true, and then there’s your particular special flare!!! Love U!
I needed to read this. Thanks for the encouragement and reminding me of what I already know, but sometimes in my weariness, I forget. God bless.
Thank you for this post! You’ve expressed our thoughts so well. As the parents of a 15 year old son with CP and Intellectual Disabilities, we do whatever we have to for him because of our intense love for him and our love of Him. God gives us the strength we need for each day and sometimes moment by moment. Thank you!
Great post. I’ve often thought I do it because there is no other choice but to do it and trust God for the outcome. Thanks for saying it so well.
Barb, you struck a common chord with this post! Wow. What a testimony to the Holy Spirit strength that gets us through, day by day. You’ve been in my prayers these past few weeks. God keeps pouring his strength into you. Amazing!
Yeah, I hear you, Barb. Well said, my friend! And that you can say ANYTHING with the month you’ve had is a true testament to God’s power. <3
sheron smith…ditto! I asked the same but never ever would I amuse an insult to that person or their child
I hope I don’t offend with my comments; I am just trying to give a different perspective. My daughter is diabetic and asthmatic and we have spent countless hours in the ER and had to endure countless trips to the doctor, exam after exam, shots, and the list goes on. I know this pales in comparison to what many go through but we do it because we love our child.
We have several friends who have children whose needs are far greater than those of our daughter and I often look at them and wonder how they can do it. I don’t look at them in pity because I can see the love in their eyes as they go on their journey. I also see the love in the eyes of their children. I can’t help but respect and admire their strength because I know how I feel when much less is confronting me and I feel as if I am at the end of my rope.
Not long ago, I thanked a young soldier for his service shortly after he returned from combat. He told me that he hates it when people say that because (they) weren’t there and don’t know what it is like. While this is very true, I am still grateful for the sacrifices being made on the behalf of those of us who remain behind. I still thank service women and men for their service.
Likewise with the parents of special needs children; I am grateful for the love and dedication that you have within you in order to persevere. To the parents of the special needs children I know, God has chosen well the caregivers of your children. You are people of incredible strength and character and I admire and respect your strength, courage and commitment. Knowing that saying, “I don’t know how you do it!” might offend, let me just say God Bless.
Not offensive in the least, Dave.
Love it!
My kids’ piano teacher said to me after piano lessons one day, “I don’t you can stand it.” I said, “I just do it day by day.”
God comforts us, he molds us, he cares for us, has a purpose for us and for our children. He knows we are dust, that we weak. He invites us to seek wisdom from him and he will not reproach us when we ask (James 1:5). He encourages us to come before the Throne of Grace in our time of need. (Hebrews 4:16). He says, come to me and I will give you rest for your souls (Matthew 11:28-29).
*”I don’t know how you can stand it.”
If only after they say, “I don’t know how you do it”, they would offer to help us while we are barely making it. There have been times when this one sentence has made me want to cry.
Yes, and I think that’s the missing link, offering to help! Whether it’s watching the child or children for a couple of hours and making a meal every once in a while, I think that other comment “I don’t know how you do it” would be taken differently. “I don’t know how you do it, but let me find out by helping you”, then this person will know. One day at a time, sometimes one hour at a time, and only with God’s strength and grace.
Please know that on those days when you need help and can’t go on, we are here to support you. Check out our “Special Care for Special Caregivers” at http://www.snappin.org.
I love this. My boss just said this to me last week that she doesn’t know how I do it all and that she wouldn’t be able to handle it if she had a child with special needs. I normally just smile and say that it is my new normal and don’t doubt yourself once you are in those shoes you just do it cause there really isn’t another choice. I also have come to realize that my relationship with God has gotten a lot strong since having my son 2 years ago because when I thought there was no way I would make it another day God picked me up to live to that next day. So I just wanted to say thank you for putting this into words when sometimes you just don’t know how.
REAL life is how we do it and w/o God it would NOT BE GOOD! THANKS for doses of humor between the lines of reality. You encouraged me today!
You nailed it! If it weren’t for my faith and the support of others I would be that hot mess everyday but I don’t have time for that! Great blog!
Reblogged this on A Voice 4 Elijah and commented:
This couldn’t have been said any better!
Just discovered this blog a few days ago — and to read something that looks like it came right out of my mouth (or pen or keyboard) — only better — is so encouraging. I’ll be back — feels like home! 🙂
Very well written! We adopted our SN child in 1996 (she was 4 years old going on 1) and we heard these sorts of comments quite often. Our reply has always been exactly as you are saying: It is His strength that carried us through the adoption process and afterward. It is His grace and mercy that healed our daughter’s brokeness, not our efforts.
I would love to reblog this on my blog because it is exactly what I have been thinking and put so well. May I and how do I do that? thanks and God bless you and your family. Wendi
Feel free to reblog, Wendi. All I ask is that you post a link to the original post. Glad it blessed you!
An old Irish saying: God fits the back for the burden!!! If you couldn’t handle it, He wouldn’t send it.
When you feel it is too much, tell Him that and He’ll give you a helping hand in one way or another.
God bless you all.
1 Corinthians 10:13
The temptations in your life are no different from what others experience. And God is faithful. He will not allow the temptation to be more than you can stand. When you are tempted, he will show you a way out so that you can endure.
Please don’t use this verse for trials or suffering. It is referring to temptation to sin! Every time this verse is misused it makes people feel guilty for the times they are not strong. It makes us think our children are a burden and we just have to be strong enough to get through it. God wants us to depend on Him 24/7. 365 days a year. And besides that what “way of escape”
I have a friend who has 6 children. They are not special needs but I have said to her “I don’t know how you do it” probably more than once… But it was meant as a compliment to her skills as a mother…Until reading this I never thought I might be saying something hurtful…maybe next time I want to pass on my praise it will be I don’t know how you do it…take such care of your kids, keep up with the house and always look beautiful…
I had a child at 42 and I have been told often by my friends.and even the occasional stranger I don’t know how you do it…..never really thought of it as negative…it is true that it is harder for me this time around to raise another child…I do it I just say one day at a time…beside the fact that I adore him and wouldn’t change having a midlife child for the freedom it brings my friends in my age category.
Hats off to parents period. It doesn’t matter the age we have them, number of kids or health of the family!
Thank you. I had a very difficult day and wen’t into ” I can’t do it anymore” mode. Thank you for remining me He Can Do it and that He will help me.
Oh My! Preach it sister! So perfect! Sometimes when I receive that comment I think to myself “, “You would do the same.” or “What are the alternatives?” But ultimately I know that it’s only by the Grace of God that we do what we do. Although the journey is very difficult at times, we count it a privilege to be chosen by Him to parent our special children.
I can so relate to this, “And everyone would hear the continued volley of dark humor exchanged by our family in an attempt to normalize the craziness of our everyday lives”.
Our son has Dystonia, which causes his body twist and contort. He loves Laurel and Hardy. One of their movies has Oliver telling Laurel that he is sometimes a little twisted. We joke with David about that and he thinks it is the funniest thing. 🙂
I’ve often thought the same thing – what do people think the alternative is? I heard this when our daughter was a baby often, and I wondered what people expected. Think we can throw her back like a fish that’s too small? LOL, as if there were any other option!
I couldn’t have said it better. Thank you for putting into words how I do it, and how you and others do it too.
I wrote a post with the same title last week. I like yours better. 🙂