You’re about to pull your hair out. You have tried to explain your situation more times than you can count. So why do others still not understand? How can you make others understand?
The life of raising a child with special needs can be frustrating and draining. But dealing outsiders is a whole other deal. Whether it is your extended family, friends, church leaders, or neighbors, dealing with outsiders can be extremely frustrating.
Attempting To Make Others Understand Repeatedly
This past week, my wife called me as I was driving to the store. It wasn’t 5 seconds before I redirected home. She was crying. Stephanie is not the crying type either.
She scattered out 4 words between the cries, “They…..just…..don’t…..understand.” She had just gotten off the phone. Her hour phone conversation had left her frustrated and hurt. She repeated it again, “They just don’t understand.”
I won’t go into details about her phone conversation, but honestly, I don’t believe I have to. This is a popular conversation among parents who are raising children with special needs. You might be reading this and had this “they just don’t understand” conversation yesterday, last week, or last month.
The hard part about “they just don’t understand” conversations is the failure in two communication. Do you fail in your communication? Do you fail in your delivery? Do others fail in listening? It could be any or all of those reasons, but the conversation was still unsuccessful, so we think. We try to make them understand, but they still don’t understand.
What makes these conversations worse? It is the repetition. Again and again you feel like you have to explain your situation because they never get it. FRUSTRATING!
Why They Don’t Understand
When trying to make others understand your situation, your challenges, your diagnosis, your family, and your life, there is something getting lost in translation. Think about it, how could they understand? Unless they live the life you live and walk the walk you journey down, there is no way to completely understand.
We attempt to explain and describe situations to others with no success everyday. We draw pictures, tell stories, and describe details, but others still don’t understand. They can’t. But, is our goal really to make others understand any ways?
Have you ever asked, “Why am I trying to make others understand?” Is it justification? Is it sympathy? What is it?
No matter what it is, I believe we need to rethink trying to get others to understand our life and challenges.
Jesus – “They Just Don’t Understand”
Matthew 16:9 – “Do you still not understand?”
Matthew 16:11 – “How is it you don’t understand…”
Mark 4:13 – “Don’t you understand this parable?”
Mark 8:17 – “Do you still not see or understand? Are your hearts hardened?”
Mark 8:21 – “Do you still not understand?”
Luke 18:34 – “The disciples did not understand any of this. Its meaning was hidden from them, and they did not know what he was talking about.” (Right before Jesus’ crucifixion.)
Every time I try to make others understand our special life raising our daughter with Down syndrome, I think about Jesus. I wonder how frustrated Jesus got with his disciples after teaching, working, and living with his friends for 3 years and yet they still didn’t understand. Right up to Jesus death, they still didn’t understand. FRUSTRATED!
The disciples didn’t understand because they couldn’t see what Jesus saw. Jesus had to die and be resurrected before they could see through his eyes. It was through faith they were able to understand Jesus finally.
What Jesus Is Teaching Us To Understand
You might be wanting to make others understand your situation, but be patient. Attempt to not be frustrated or angry with them, be patient. They are not seeing your life through your eyes, they can’t. Simply teach them. Teach once, twice, three times, and for 3 years. Invite them to see your world. And remember, be patient.
But there is a warning. Don’t make others understand for your sake. You don’t need justification, you have Jesus. You don’t need sympathy, Jesus has provided. Allow them to understand for their sake, not yours. Take the pressure off yourself because you are already justified, accepted, and loved unconditionally by our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.
Remember, they won’t understand immediately. Teach and be patient.
Original image courtesy of Gualberto107 / FreeDigitalPhotos.net
Jared Buckley
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He is the true example of patience and helping others understand a very different journey!
So insightful, Jered. Thank you. I have never thought about my motivation for wanting others to understand and this was good to make me pause and think. It makes me want all the more to keep trying to tell our story because the Church has so much to gain by valuing the gifts God has given to the Church through His children with disabilities. The Church could be so blessed and so much more WHOLE if it were utilizing all the members of God’s family and not just the ones it deems “acceptable.” Thank you, too, for the caution that we not pursue understanding for the sake of just our own justification or acceptance. Yet, God did not intend for any of us to function alone. We were designed, as a family, to need support as well as to give it. Isolation is spiritually harmful and something we all need to avoid if at all possible. I look forward to your book providing some ways to help us all wrestle with one of disability’s greatest challenges! We can ALL use it!
I gave up on having anyone understand my situation a long time ago! You are so right that a person who is not in our place in life is limited in how much they can understand about life with children who have special needs. But I SO much want them to understand that my son with Down Syndrome is a PERSON, and not a ‘waste’! If I can teach that, then I have been the parent my son needs.
I completely understand. 🙂
We know that we will have people that won’t understand us or think our daughter with Down syndrome is “waste.” But we also that is a lie. That is NOT TRUTH.
So, just as you, we strive to bring value and greatness into our every life. We capitalize on the strengths and gifts. We maximize the exposure to dreams and hopes for our daughter (and other child too).
But, however, I do understand your WANT comment with other people. We WANT others to see what we see. We WANT others to experience what we experience.
Maybe it isn’t understanding we shoot for, but EXPERIENCE.
I think one of the reasons we try so hard to be understood is that raising special needs children is so isolating! We desperately want to feel the companionship of others and to that end we try endlessly to justify our parenting differences! I have come to realise however that our true friends accept us as we are and easily accept our children even with the challenges they bring! Does that make me less keen to feel the connection that comes with understanding – no! But as you say I can have the calm assurance (on my good days) that Jesus knew what it is to be misunderstood and isolated and “his grace is sufficient for me!”
Thank you for your insightful and helpful thoughts – I needed this reminder!
Arlene, I couldn’t agree with you more. The source of isolation triggering our justification is a threat to every parent who has a child with special needs.
Question, I am doing a seminar at the end of this month on “Powering Through Isolation,” and I was curious what you thought was one reason parents run into isolation? I would love to hear what your thoughts are.
Thanks.
I, personally, run into isolation for selfish reasons. Sometimes it’s easier for me to stay in our “special needs bubble” and not have to face other families and their typically developing children. After 4 1/2 years I still struggle being around typically developing children who are the same age as my son. I immediately start comparing him to them and thinking of all the things he can’t do which isn’t right or fair to him. I also run into isolation sometimes because I just don’t have it in me to help others understand. Our days as parents of special needs children can be draining and the thought of explaining everything AGAIN just seems overwhelming sometimes.
Erin, thank you so much for the transparency.
I believe you are hitting on some of the very things MANY parents with special needs in their family quietly struggle with.
Comparison. How dangerous can it be?
Thank you Erin for sharing.
Thank you for including the important point – how could they understand?
If I hadn’t walked this walk for years, there is no way that I would’ve been able to understand either.
btw …this is one way that I try to make it easier for people to understand:
Expecting my son to [insert behavior here, e.g. stay seated for extended periods of time] is like expecting a baby to understand algebra. Does a baby understand algebra today? No. Will the baby every understand algebra? Maybe. Probably yes.
Right now, you are just expecting my son to [insert behavior here] which is something he can’t do. Maybe someday he can, but today, he can not.
Elizabeth, very well put. There is a difference between limiting and reality. By what you are saying in the example, is putting it in reality. Reality is they cannot right now, but one day we hope and strive for.
I completely understand what you are saying. 🙂
Thank you Jarod. You are so right. sometimes I just have this yearning for other people to get it, then I realize, how could they. The more trials our family goes through, not just raising a special needs son with DS, but sickness, disease, finances etc., the more I actually am thankful, because for some other person, one day, I WILL get what they are sharing.
Debbie, it is truly amazing how our perspective can change so much on how we deal with situations. I love how you said the more you go through life circumstances will give you more of an opportunity to be able to share in other people’s experiences in the future. Love it!
Changing perspectives can lead to opportunities.